Friday, December 14, 2012

Christmastime in the face of tragedy

This Christmas has been one of my most difficult years.  I have missed my family.  I have missed the snow.  I have have missed my husband, who has needed to put in long hours of work.  I have felt overwhelmed with trying to establish Christmas for my 2 year old when I have a newborn who requires so much attention, and who kinda binds me to the house.  I have missed sleep.  Really, I have missed sleep a lot.  The truth is, it hasn't felt much like Christmas at all.  Sure, I have a tree, but I have really struggled to grab that Christmas feeling.

Last night I was feeling particularly sorry for myself.  There was a relief society Christmas Progressive dinner I really wanted to attend, but Jordan had to work late again.  He worked really hard to come home in time so that I could at least go to the dessert (where I had signed up to bring a dish).  I almost didn't go, thinking it wasn't worth it.  But Jordan pushed me out the door with my brownies, and I showed up just in time at the last house.  I was lucky, the majority of the program was at this particular house, so I got to attend the most important part (yay!).  There was a wonderful speaker who talked about doing three things to make this a Christ centered holiday:

1. Look at yourself in the mirror and see yourself the way the Savior sees you.
2. Compliment someone everyday.
3. Find something magical in the season everyday.

I was touched by this list.  These were exactly what I was struggling with, and I went home a little teary, remembering the tender mercies of the Lord, that He knows me.  I was all geared up for the next day, ready to feel Christmasy armed with my little to-do list that was surely going to make everything better.

Then, today, the horrible news about the shootings in Connecticut   I think everyone is horrified.  How can I feel the Christmas spirit when there's such evil?  When there is so much pain?  I think of the terror those sweet babies must have felt.  The horror their parents feel.  Can't we just cancel Christmas this year?

And then for the first time, I feel like I've been able to feel what Christmas is about.  The strains of "Peace on Earth" that we hear over and over in the hymns.  I think we often hope that the world will be saved by someone who will totally eradicate evil, will make these events a thing of the past.  And I do believe that day will come, and I, along with the rest of the world, hope and pray for that day.  But the peace that Christmas brings, that the Savior brings, is the peace of the Atonement.  It's not peace in the outside world, but peace in our own hearts, it's the peace that we choose.  I know that there was a child, a Savior, born of Mary, who went on to live a life of kindness, of goodness and of compassion.  He suffered in Gethsemane  where He felt all the pain in this world, so he could more fully understand our suffering, and perfectly know how to heal us.  I know that through Him all the wrongs in this world can be made right.  I also know that there is life after death, that this is not the end.

That little baby whose birth we celebrate a Christmastime, He brought all of this goodness into the world.  And the peace I feel know is my knowledge that He is perfect, and all will be made right through Him.  And so, as I think of this tragedy today, I mourn with those that mourn, and I feel grief, but I also feel peace.  I will look to the Savior this Christmas, and teach my children of His Goodness, and pray that all will feel of His Peace.

"And behold, he shall be born of Mary, at Jerusalem... she being a virgin, a precious and chosen vessel, who shall be overshadowed and conceive by the power of the Holy Ghost, and bring forth a son, yea, even the Son of God.  And he shall go forth, suffering pains and afflictions and temptations of every kind; and this that the word might be fulfilled which saith he will take upon him the pains and the sicknesses of his people.  And he will take upon him death, that he may loose the bands of death which bind his people; and he will take upon him their infirmities, that his bowels may be filled with mercy, according to the flesh, that he may know according to the flesh how to succor his people according to their infirmities.  Now the Spirit knoweth all things; nevertheless the Son of God suffereth according to the flesh that he might take upon him the sins of his people..."

Book of Mormon, Alma 7:10-13

Friday, December 7, 2012

Clara

I haven't written a post about Clara lately, because writing about Clara is too complex for me.  She's just turning into this amazing, funny little person, and I can never quite capture it when writing.  But I'm going to try to write some stuff, if nothing else so I remember.

She LOVES being a big sister, and has been an absolute dream.  We were warned over and over again about jealousy and that she would have such a hard time with the baby.  I am so grateful that neither of these things were true for Clara.  She wakes up every morning saying, "Baby?  Baby?" and runs to find her.  She gives Lucy unsolicited kisses, and understands that she needs to be very gentle.  She's always been very sensitive when Lucy cries, and gets concerned, offering her binkie and saying, "Momma!  Baby crying!"  When Lucy cries in the car, she very gently but firmly says, "Lucy, stop.  Lucy, stop."  Never yells at her or gets mad, more like she's enforcing a rule.  With that, just the last few days Lucy has shown a lot more interest in Clara.  When Clara passes, Lucy looks at her and smiles.  I think we're getting into big-sister-will-make-little-sister-laugh territory.  I know it's too soon to tell, but I'm so hopeful that they'll like each other and want to play together.  Jordan and I were discussing this the other day, and we realized that Clara is ALWAYS going to love Lucy and want to play with her, that's just her personality.  Really, it's whether or not Lucy is going to get annoyed with Clara...

Clara's talking is really taking off!  She was a little later than some kids, but I wasn't too worried.  It fits her personality that she waited to talk until she was a bit more confident.  Our biggest issue now is that her binkie is really in the way, and I haven't been disciplined enough to take away the binkie during the day.  Sometimes, even without the binkie, she'll talk like she has it in her mouth.  Other than that, she says new and funny things every day!  And I'm surprised at how much she really understands me.

When you have a second baby, teaching the concept of "patience" is an absolute necessity.  And I'm very lucky to have Clara, who has always been naturally patient.  Sometimes I simply can't do things right away for her because of Lucy or we're in the car or something, and I can say, "Clara, you're going to have to wait.  Can you wait a little bit for me?  I promise I will do this/get that/play with you as soon as I'm done."  She always says yes.  Now, how long "wait" means varies depending on how tired she is, but overall I think her abilities are very impressive for a 2 year old.  I try to ALWAYS follow through to re-enforce the idea that if you wait, you can get what you asked for, but really, it isn't me.  Clara just has a really sweet, patient temperament, and for that I am so very, very grateful.

She loves loves loves Jordan.  Those two are like peas in a pod.  When he's home, they play and play and play, and Clara wants to copy everything he does.  When she's hurt, she cries for Daddy.  She will do things for him that she'll NEVER do for me (like eat dinner!).  I love watching them, and I"m so glad they're so close.

Clara's imagination is really blooming.  She loves her stuffed animals and they are her "babies."  She likes to name them them after her friends.  She puts them to bed, feeds them food and chews them out ("Stop it.  Now!").  She also loves her blocks.  She likes to build things and then show me and Jordan.

I could go on and on all day, and you'd  only see a fraction of her sweet personality.  I am so grateful she is mine.  She makes me smile every day.

Tuesday, December 4, 2012

Adventures in newborn sleep...

... well, "adventures" could actually translate quite well to "tears" for all involved (except Jordan, I suppose).  I'm not good with the whole sleep deprivation thing.  Sometimes I just cry, and then I feel like a horrible mother.  Why am I crying?  I'm such a wimp.

Anyway, Lucy keeps me guessing.  There's actually some really good things happening with her sleep.  1- She's got her days and nights going right, and her bedtime has moved up to between 5:30-6, which is where it's supposed to be (at least according to Healthy Sleep Habits, Healthy Child, my favorite sleep book).  When she goes down at night, she sleeps all night (meaning when she eats, she doesn't expect to play, she just goes back to sleep).  She did this all naturally, and I'm very grateful.  2- We have gotten into a great routine of Eat, Play, Sleep.  She doesn't want to be nursed to sleep, which is both a blessing and a curse (more on this later).  Her awake times are about 1 hour, and then she naps for 45 min-2 hours and then she eats.  It's a good schedule.  Sometimes I can even get her to go to sleep on her own when I put her down drowsy.  Maybe about 25% of the time.  Not bad.

Now, for the bad.  She sleeps for 8 hours at night.  Yay!  Those hours are 6pm-2am.  BOO.  I have tried to move it.  Feed her when I go to sleep, etc.  No luck.  She feels the need to wake up and eat between 2-4, no matter what I do.  It's so lame.  I think I just have to wait for her to out-grow it.

If she's awake for much longer than an hour, she becomes extremely overtired and is incredibly difficult to put to sleep.  She just gets herself so worked up nothing can calm her down.  While I love I don't have an eat-sleep association, it would be so helpful if she would eat and calm down when she was so worked up and exhausted.  Alas, she refuses to nurse when she's really angry.  This is a total turn around from Clara, who LOVED nursing.  Feeding her could solve any problem, and I loved how I always had the ability to calm her down.  With Lucy, I feel so powerless sometimes.  When she got her vaccinations, I was already to take her and feed her and get her soothed before we left.  She would.not.latch.  It was upsetting for me, I felt like I had failed her as her mother.  :(

The biggest issue is that Lucy is so routine bound that when we mess it up, she won't sleep.  She struggles to sleep in car seats, and I have tried every carrier and she kinda hates all of them.  Church is bad, but the evening after church is an absolute nightmare.  She doesn't sleep at church (remember how she won't sleep in car seats?), so when it comes time to go to bed she's so overtired that it's nearly impossible to get her to stay asleep.  This has caused me to be quite home bound.  It's just not worth it to leave in almost all cases.  I'm looking forward to the day I can leave the house and know I won't pay for it later...

Anyway, that was a whole bunch of whining on my part, I know.  I remind myself it does get better, and eventually she will sleep.  Frankly, with some of the good habits she has so far, she should sleep through the night sooner than Clara did (11 months).  Until then, I'll dream of 5 hours of consecutive sleep...

Monday, December 3, 2012

Thanksgiving in Pinetop

This Thanksgiving, we decided to get out of Phoenix for a bit.  Jordan's parents have a timeshare up there, and we decided to take advantage of the condo and take in some nice cooler weather.  It was such a relief to see pine trees!

For Thanksgiving itself, we drove about an hour past Pinetop to Eagar, where my Aunt and Uncle live.  We had Thanksgiving with their family  which was a blast.  I was kinda depressed with the idea of eating Thanksgiving Dinner with just Jordan and I, wrestling Clara to try SOMETHING.  Thanksgiving is much more fun with a larger group of people, in my opinion.  My Aunt and Uncle have a couple of granddaughters Clara's age, so she spent the day running around and playing.

We stayed in Pinetop an additional day.  We were staying in a condo, which had a couple of rooms and a full kitchen, perfect for parents with kids.  We had a Harry Potter marathon, kept up with football, and went and played on the playground.  It was so relaxing.  The door had handles instead of knobs, which meant Clara could leave her room.  We woke up a couple of times in the middle of the night with Clara in Jordan's face saying, "Hi Dada!  Hi Dada!  Play?"  While a bit annoying, it was kinda cute.

Anyway, overall it was a great choice.  I hope to go back sometime this summer to escape the Phoenix heat.  It was so nice!

Monday, October 29, 2012

Lucy at 1 month

After yesterday's downer of a post, here's some happier fare.


I'll be honest, I'm crazy lucky.  I made cute, easy babies.  Both Clara and Lucy have been easy infants, although in different ways.  Clara was easily appeased with nursing and she rarely fussed.  But she really struggled to sleep longer than 2 hours at any given time.  Lucy fusses more frequently, is harder to calm down, and is overall MUCH louder than Clara.  But she makes up for it by sleeping... oh, the sleep!  She sleeps for at least 3 hours at a time, often 4, and I've even gotten some 6 hour stints at night.  SO GREAT.  I didn't get that out of Clara until she was 5 months old.


So, Lucy sleeps in longer chunks.  That meas she also doesn't nurse nearly as often, and the space between feedings is getting farther apart everyday.  This is both awesome and unnerving.  I never stop worrying if my kids are getting enough to eat.  But Lucy gives every indication of excellent growth (with some delectably chubby arms and legs... yum!), even if she only eats every 4 hours at 6 weeks.  Really, we've nailed down a routine.  Not quite a regular "schedule" yet, but definitely a routine.  She wakes up, eats, stays awake for about 45 min-1 hour, then we get her to go to sleep (this is when she's at her fussiest), and she sleeps for 2-3 hours.  Extend that time at night.  Really, you can't ask for an easier newborn.

These are pictures from her newborn session with Kailee Judd, a friend from Alaska who did a FANTASTIC job.  I love them!

I like her so much.  We've seen a couple of genuine smiles, but they are pretty rare so far.  She tolerates Clara well enough, and it's so fun to see her grow.  It's happening so so fast!






Sunday, October 28, 2012

Feeling depressed... ish?

I'm not totally sure what's going on.  My moods and emotions have been all over the place the last week or so.  I guess it could still be postpartum hormones bouncing around in my body, although it seems a bit "late" to me.  I'll be 6 weeks postpartum on Wednesday, aren't I past the crazy mood swings yet?

One day this week, Clara asked to go for a walk.  What a delightful idea, I thought.  Clara was so excited that she helped me get everything ready, setting up the stroller and she was sitting so quietly when I was getting Lucy ready.  Everything was going great until I tried to put Lucy in the Moby.  Awfulness ensued.  I guess I'm just doing the wrap incorrectly or something, but Lucy is NOT ok with being carried around in the Moby.  We don't have a double stroller, so if Lucy won't deal with the Moby, then we're not going anywhere.  I had to tell a very disappointed Clara to please come back in, and tears ensued for all three of us.  Thankfully, Clara was calmed down with an episode of Blue's Clues and Lucy eventually went to sleep.  Me?  I spent most of the day crying on and off.  Can you say over-reaction?  I just couldn't get over it and spent the rest of the day kinda wallowing.

Today was another rough day.  Again, things were tricky with both kids.  It was hard to enjoy church when it just seemed like at least one kid was always crying.  But the truth is there's a couple of things really hanging over me.  First, I worry I haven't made any really good friends here in Phoenix.  I mean, I have made friends, and I have people that I very much like and enjoy spending time with, but I worry that they don't feel the same about me.  I'm really looking for a friend that can be my "replacement" family here in Phoenix, and I don't think I've found that yet.  And it makes me sad.  The second issue is related to that: we're here for the holidays.  Every year that we've been married, we've always gone to Missouri for at least ONE holiday, and I LOVE it.  And this year, between reunions, marriages and having a baby, Jordan just does not have the time off.

I'm ridiculously broken up over it.  It's so silly, and I feel so frivolous  but it makes me tear up just thinking about being in Phoenix by ourselves for Thanksgiving and Christmas.  If we had good friends here that I felt like we could spend the holidays with, I don't think it would be so sad, but we just don't (yet).  It doesn't help that Jordan isn't the most social fellow, so he's totally happy that it's just us.  I actually think he might be a little offended that I feel the need to have other people around.

But really, the issue to all of these things is they're all OVER-REACTIONS.  Why can't I just put things in perspective and move on?  Why can't I just get over it already?  There are times (lots of times, really) that I feel great.  I feel like my life is on track, I'm making progress, that I'm GOING somewhere.  When people ask how I feel, I always say, "Great!" and I really feel like I mean it.  There are so many great things about my life.  And then there are days I can't stop crying.

I don't think it's anything clinical.  Most likely (even though it seems weird to me) it's post baby hormones messing with my head.  And even beyond that, our family has gone through a major change, and whenever I go through a major life change I get serious emotional whip lash.  I shouldn't even be surprised.

Anyone else emotionally everywhere in the months following having a baby?  Am I crazy and I just don't know it?

Saturday, September 29, 2012

Quick Clara Story

Clara wanted to brush her teeth.  Being the great parents we are and not wanting to discourage a good habit, Jordan went to go get her toothbrush.  He couldn't find it in it's original place, so he began looking around the bathroom.  Clara ran in, opened the door to the cabinet under the sink (which does not have anything dangerous in it, we promise), and proceeded to pull out not just her toothbrush, but her stuffed tigger, a spare pacifier, and an empty cereal bowl.

Clearly, her parents can not be trusted to keep track of her pacifiers, so she has to keep a spare hidden.




Sunday, September 23, 2012

The Birth Story (very long...)

A disclaimer: I didn't write out my birth story for Clara, partly because it was kinda boring, and partly because I didn't think anyone would care much.  Since then, I've learned I LOVE reading other people's birth stories, and I find it's a way mothers bond with each other.  Please don't feel like you have to read it, it does include details of birth that some may be uncomfortable with.

A second disclaimer: It's really long.  Like, really really long.  I wrote it out thinking I would delete parts of it, but after I was finished I realized I want to keep this for myself.  So... sorry, it's long, feel free to skip to the pictures.  :)


38 weeks and headed to Church, 3 days before going into labor

This entire pregnancy has practically been defined by my contractions.  I first noticed them at 16 weeks (!!!!) and they were painful.  I'm sure they were technically only Braxton Hicks, but I'm not kidding when I'm saying that they hurt.  Anytime I was dehydrated, or walking, or hot, they were there.  It was extremely annoying.  Of course, they only got worse as my pregnancy progressed.  The day before I was 37 weeks, I had my first evening when I was having fairly regular contractions while lying down, and Jordan and I began timing them... was this it?  Alas, it was not, they went away after a few hours.  It happened a couple more times over the next week: in the evenings (usually after I had a busy day of cleaning and getting ready for the baby) I would begin having regular contractions that didn't go away after some water and lying down, we'd time them, they'd be regular, about 10 minutes apart, and then they'd go away.  It was torturous.  I was uncomfortable from being pregnant, and when I was contracting I was in pain, and it was horrible to get my hopes up and for it to go no where.

The truth is I was sure I was going to be OVERDUE (even though I was measuring big and having contractions), because I couldn't deal with the disappointment of hoping to go early and having this painful pregnancy last forever.  Sure, I hoped to go early, but I didn't make any plans for that.  I didn't pack a bag, I was holding out on the idea that my sister would be here to watch Clara while I was in the hospital, and I had projects I was planning on doing right up until the due date.  Really, the only way I thought I could possibly have this baby early is if my doctor recommended an induction because of high blood pressure, and even then I was going to try to convince them to put it off until Robin got here.

I had my regular appointment Wednesday morning at 8am.  The week before I had been dialated to a 2-3, so I was really hopeful I would maybe be at a 4 or so.  My blood pressure had been borderline the last few weeks as well, so I tried to be as stress-free and hydrated as possible.  Jordan and Clara came with me, so I could just drop Jordan off at work after my appointment.  When I went in and they took my blood pressure: 180/90.  OUCH.  The medical assistant started asking me how I was feeling, the truth being that I was fine.  Usually my blood pressure is high at the beginning of the appointment, and when they take it at the end of the appointment, it's gone down to much more tolerable levels.  They measured me and I got checked, and I WAS at a 4!  YAY!  But the check was really painful.  Part of the reason I had looked so big is that the baby was still sitting really high and hadn't really "engaged" into my pelvis.  So when she checked me, it took FOREVER and she was really feeling what was going on (I mention the trauma of the check because it will be pertinent latter in the story...).

She took my blood pressure again and it was 140/90, still too high.  So we started talking induction.  I won't lie, I was totally over being pregnant, and since I was already at a 4 I felt pretty safe that an induction would be successful.  But I thought about all the trouble it was going to be get a sitter for Clara, and I did mention that if there was any way to maybe try to put it off and see if my blood pressure recovered, it would be great if we could wait until my sister got into town a week later.  I was not hopeful they would let me wait, and they didn't... next thing I know, they are coming in and telling me to go strait to the hospital to try to do a "backdoor" induction.  Basically, because I wasn't actually ill at this point, the hospital wasn't super keen on scheduling my induction today, but my doctor thought if she sent me in for observation and labs, they might be able to sneak me in.  She asked if I had a bag packed... haha, I did not.  So we head back home, I make childcare plans for Clara and pack a hospital bag really quickly, and an hour later we are at labor and delivery (about 10:30am).

They get me all hooked up and start watching me.  At this point, I've actually suddenly started to notice some decent, regular contractions.  I don't think much of them, maybe they  kicked back in because I was nervous to go to the hospital and walking around a bunch trying to get stuff ready.  Once on the monitor, we start noticing exactly how regular those contractions are: 5 minutes apart.  But they're pretty mild, I can easily talk through them, so the nurse kinda dismisses it all.  They are taking my blood pressure regularly, and I'm giving great reading, nothing too high at all.

After a while, they check me again, and I"m still at a 4, no progress.  Disappointing.  At this point, even though my contractions are regular, they don't seem to be doing anything and my blood pressure readings are all normal, so it's unlikely they'll admit me today.  But I'm starting to notice that the contractions are getting stronger, and there's a few that I can't talk through... ooookay... what is going on?  Am I here for an induction for high blood sugar, or am I actually in labor?  Or are these just really annoying braxton hicks?  I theorize that possibly my contractions are kicking into high gear because of all the checking my poor cervix is getting sent through (and again, the baby is high, so these are no quick checks).  The nurse basically dismisses all of this (I really get the feeling she does NOT want to admit me...), and prepares me to get sent home and to come back in for an induction the next day.  I'm starting to get upset because my contractions are getting stronger and they're staying fairly regular... she checks me one last time at about 1:30, and I'm still at a 4.  Labs come back all normal, my blood pressure is normal, they send me home on bedrest until tomorrow morning when they'll induce me.  I'm not happy about this, mostly because it makes things even more complicated with Clara.  But I'm happy to not be hooked to machines any longer.  If they're not going to actually induce me, I'd rather not be stuck laying down with those stupid monitors on me, they do tend to make the pain worse.

We get in the car, and I just feel like it's all wrong.  I shouldn't be going home.  Jordan and I run a couple of errands, and the contractions are now coming faster and stronger.  But I'm so confused: I just got sent home (less than an hour ago!) even though I was having regular, fairly strong contractions, and that was apparently NOT enough to stay at the hospital.  How do I tell what's going on?  It's not like I can check myself to see if they're actually doing anything.  I finally call my doctor's office to tell them what's happening: strong contractions every 3-4 minutes apart, but I just got sent home because I wasn't progressing... what am I supposed to do now?  They tell me the doctor will call me back in a few minutes.

Clara's babysitter tells us she'll bring Clara by the house at around 5, so Jordan and I go strait home.  We walk in the door (me in increasing amounts of distress and pain because I don't know what to do), and Jordan runs upstair to change.  Within 5 minutes of being home, the doctor calls and tells me to go back to the hospital.  No joke.

I'd like to take a moment and say that Jordan was not happy.  He honestly believes we're going to go back, stay for another couple of hours, have me complain a bunch, and get sent home again.  I actually don't disagree with him, but I basically just got ordered from my doctor to go back, what am I supposed to say, "No, I don't think so."  ??  And I can't deny that these contractions are different... they are powerful, and I'm feeling them all around my body.  I can't really talk through them any more.  I just don't know what else to do besides go back and see if just getting out of the hospital got me to make some progress.

Back to the hospital we go.  This time, we get a nurse who actually seems to believe me about what's going on, and I get the feeling she's much more willing to talk about possibly admitting me.  Or maybe I"m just looking like I"m in greater distress.  The moment of truth comes: my 4th check of the day... and I'm at a 6 and 75% effaced!  I'm having this baby tonight!  And I didn't need to be induced, I went into labor and progressed to a 6 all on my own!  I won't lie, I was pretty happy about that.  When I was induced with Clara, was at a 1 and about 50% effaced, and the whole process took SO LONG.  This was sure to be so much shorter and an overall happier experience.

So we were admitted into the hospital.  Because I'd managed to get to a 6 on my own, I thought perhaps I wanted to go longer without an epidural.  When I asked about possibly moving around to help with labor, my nurse told me that because I have blood pressure issues (especially associated with movement) that they really didn't want me to do anytihng but lay there.  And that was that, if I had to just lay in the bed and labor, there was no way I was going much longer without an epidural.  After being admitted, I got one within half an hour.  It DID slow down my contractions a bit, but I'm not going to lie, it was a great epidural.  One of the best things about this experience as compared with Clara is I really felt like my nurse cared about my comfort.  Maybe I just wasn't brave enough to ask with Clara for help getting comfortable, but I spent the majority of my time very uncomfortable on my back, even with an epidural.  With Lucy, my nurse suggested laying on my side, and helped manuvur all the pillows so that I was totally comfortable.  It.  Was.  Awesome.  The epidural worked well once again (I could feel my toes the whole time), and Jordan and I were able to talk and rest a bit.  I did have a few lame side effects, the most annoying was itchiness, but it wasn't so bad that I didn't catch a nap. I also felt extremely light-headed at on point, but that faded and overall I would say my epidural basically rocked.

The baby was moving around like crazy the entire time i was in labor.  they kept coming in and having to find her, and my nurses kept talking about her great accelerations... it actually kept making us laugh.  She regularly kicked the heart rate monitor, which made that fun "white noise sound."  Jordan and I kept wondering if she realized that she was coming out, and trying to live it up in the womb while she could.  (Ok, side note, if you haven't read this blog yet, please do... the Honest Toddler is hilarious).

The biggest thing that remained a bit of an issue was the fact that the baby was still so high.  She was still not really engaged, and I got nervous that maybe it was because she was so big, that maybe her head wasn't fitting in the way it should.  When I asked my nurse, she chuckled at me (which might have offended me at a different time, but I was just so grateful to hear my fears were unwarrented that I overlooked her laughing at my question) and said she was almost certain that was the case.  And Clara was also sitting really high even during labor, so apparently this is just how my babies sit.  My doctor wanted to break my water, but she couldn't come in to do it herself at this point, so they were trying to get another doctor to do it.  But because the baby was sitting so high, the other doctor was unwilling to risk a prolapsed cord, which would result in an emergency c-section.  I can't say I was terribly disappointed.  I personally felt I'd rather labor all night than end up in an emergency c-section. They ended up putting me on a pitocin drip to help get the baby lower and engaged.

The weirdest thing that happened is that at one point this other doctor came in to check if the baby had engaged yet.  At this point, my nurses had been telling me that I was at a 7 and 75% effaced.  The new doctor checks me, declares that I"m at most a 4 and 25% effaced, and there was no way he would break my water.  He was very nice to me, but I was now so confused.  So what was I, a 7 or a 4?  Was I never really in labor?  Should I have just stayed home and seen how things had progressed?  Was my nurse earlier so eagar to get me admitted that she pretty much lied?  Was she crazy?

Eventually my doctor managed to come in herself, at about 8pm.  I'd been on pitocin for about 3 hours apparently making BACKWARDS progress (great), and the baby still wasn't coming down.  She talked it out with me, and after explaining the risks and saying that while there was a chance for a prolapsed cord, she wouldn't break my water if she thought it was a real threat, she went ahead and broke my water.  She said the reason that people were getting such different readings on my progress was because things were really "gooshy."  My cervix was very soft, and you could definitely open it up to a 7, but without the baby's head engaging and pushing down on my cervix, I only opened up to a 4.  That made sense to me.  Anyway, there was a lot of fluid when she broke my water and I totally splashed her.  No prolapsed cord (yay!) and things really started to pick up at this point.

At this point I had gotten a great new nurse that I really liked, and she took it upon herself to make sure this baby descended correctly.  She pulled out what she called "The Peanut" which is basically a peanut shaped exercise ball and proped it between my legs.  As soon as she put it in place, I suddenly felt pressure from the baby slowly moving down.  Not enough that I needed to push, but I definitely felt a difference.  About every half an hour would move me from one side to the other, and checking to see where I was feeling pressure.  The most interesting thing was Jordan and I spend a lot of time talking to her about politics!  It was so... strange... here I was, practically going through transition (oh yeah, I threw up), having a nice conversation about Mitt Romney and how Mormons felt about him and various other political topics that I normally shy away from, because I don't want to offend anyone.

At about 10:20pm, she asked if I felt any pressure to push.  I told her no, I hadn't noticed, and she declared that I would very shortly.  I kinda scoffed (how could she know something like that?), but no joke 3 contractions later I was feeling ready and I was at a 10 and fully effaced.  I have no idea how she knew.  And then we started pushing.

I was so sure this was the end.  All my friends who've had second babies in the last few months have said that pushing was so much easier with their second, that they just pushed 3 times and the baby was out, and I was excited to see her.  Alas... I pushed for half an hour.  Way better than the 2 hours of pushing with Clara, but it was still very very taxing.  My doctor came in at about 10:55, and helped me along... and at 11:11pm little Lucy was out!  And there was a reason it took half an hour to have her: she was big!  Everyone gasped as she came out, and my doctor guessed she had to be at least a 9 pounder.  Lucy weighed in at 8lb 14.7 oz (so... basically an ounce away from 9 pounds), but what killed me was her huge head (which my doctor also commented on, and I quickly pointed at Jordan and said, "It's his fault.").  I got to hold Lucy right away and we talked to her while they were stitching me up.  I had a small tear, what my doctor called a "skid mark."  She almost did an episotomy there at the end because as the baby was crowning (her and her big head), her blood pressure suddenly dropped.  My doctor decided to let me give it one more push to see if I could get her out without one.  I'm very grateful to my doctor that she waited, because my recovery has been so much easier with just one small tear.





Lucy was very healthy with a nice big cry (as compared to Clara who struggled initially and had a very  pitiful, quiet cry when she came out.  Clara ended up spending an hour in the NICU on the CPAP machine).  People couldn't get enough of her cheeks and double chin.  I was so grateful this time that I didn't have to be seperated from her at any point.  The hospital I delivered at doesn't have a nursery, they only room in, and they do all the tests and procedures on the baby right there in the room with you (again, with Clara we didn't see her for 3 hours after she was born, which made me highly anxious).  We moved down to the postpartum room by 1am, and Jordan left at 1:30.

Overall, my recovery has been so much easier than the first time.  SO.  MUCH.  EASIER.   I was up and moving around my room easily, and I felt secure caring for Lucy.  I won't lie, my body HAS felt some repercussions of having such a large baby.  Mostly I think I might have pulled a groin muscle while pushing, which as been uncomfortable, but it hasn't stopped me from being able to care for Clara and move around my house.

Really, I felt like my whole experience was better this time around, mostly because I felt like my nurses cared about my comfort and my doctor listened to my concerns.  I'm so grateful I have a healthy baby girl and no major physical issues coming out of labor and delivery.  Now, on to the baby weight... *sigh*

Saturday, September 22, 2012

A Family of Four

It is fitting that my 100th post would be to write a new baby joining our family.  When I started this blog, Jordan and I were newlywed students at BYU, not even pregnant yet.  Now, we've just had baby #2, sweet, sweet baby Lucy.



Isn't she just the bee's knees?!  We all just love her to pieces (obviously).  I think she looks just like Clara, and Jordan agrees.  He took a video of Lucy in the hospital just after she was born, and came home that night and compared it to a picture of Clara when she was just a few weeks old, and they really do look the same, except Lucy has all that dark hair.  Speaking of her hair, I just can't get enough of it!  Clara didn't have this much hair until she was 15 months old, so I kinda feel like I'm in little girl heaven right now.  Lucy, as you can see, is also quite the little chunker.  At 8 pounds, 14.7 ounces, and 21 inches long she came a week earlier than Clara did, and is a whole pound heavier (which makes me feel so better about how huge I was at the end of my pregnancy... it really was all baby!).  

So far, she's also been a bit higher maintenance than Clara was at this age.  I'm not sure if this is going to last (it'd be great if it didn't!), but for now Lucy definitely has a bigger, more demanding cry and is a bit more persnickety.  Clara's always been really laid back about things like temperature and dirty diapers. Our second night in the hospital, I couldn't for the life of me figure out why Lucy was crying, until I realized she had a (very slightly) wet diaper.  Hello Mom fail!  Otherwise, she's been such a sweet baby.  

Speaking of Clara, she LOVES baby Lucy!  I had all sorts of people warning me in the hospital about 2 year olds and new babies and how they really don't mix.  I got some great advice to help Clara with the transition and I've been trying to implement it so that Clara feels involved and loved, and so far things have gone really well!  She's been extremely gentle and sweet.  She loves to point out Lucy's tiny body parts, and when Lucy cries she becomes very concerned.  She's helped me burp Lucy and loves to feel her soft hair.  I know this will probably not last forever, but for now I'm feeling grateful to have such a sweet and gentle 2 year old.


I just love having another squishy newborn at home, and I love my two girls.  Jordan is a huge help, as always, and we really are adjusting well so far.  I'm grateful to have help for the next few weeks to help transition to two kids.  Jordan will be home with me until Thursday, and then my sister comes for 10 days followed by Jordan's mom for another 7 days.  

It's amazing how you can have a baby, and it feels like they were always meant to be there.  I'm so grateful for how smoothly things have gone and for such healthy happy girls.  

Friday, September 7, 2012

The waiting game...

I realized I have posted a whole bunch of stuff about my pregnancy, and Clara, and not a whole lot of general family updates.  So, here it is: a general family update.

A lot of our time lately is spent waiting.  The most obvious waiting game is waiting for when little Lucy wants to make her appearance.  Mostly because I'm massive and it's pretty obvious that there's a baby who needs to come out.  As of tomorrow I am officially full term (37 weeks), so I suppose it could be any time.  But it probably won't be for a couple of weeks.  I get contractions daily, but this little girl has decided to nestle her head in the right side of my pelvis, not really ideal for giving birth.  Sometimes I can feel her head going back and forth, like she's trying to figure out where to go (which is adorable, by the way), but for now she seems content to hang out in a weird diagonal position.  I'm pretty much ok with this.  I actually really want her to stay inside until my sister Robin gets here on September 27th, it will make my life SO MUCH EASIER in terms of dealing with Clara.

We are also waiting for Jordan to get his exam results back from his last actuarial exam.  Why it takes a bunch of actuaries 8 weeks to correct a 30 question multiple choice test is beyond me... but alas, that's where we're at.  We're very optimistic about this exam.  Jordan felt EXTREMELY good about it, but we also felt fairly good the last time, and he didn't pass so... you never know.  But Jordan passing this exam would be a fantastic success!  It would be the first exam he's taken where he did all the studying by himself, without the guidance of a class. We should find out right around the time Lucy is born, so ... more waiting.

We're also waiting for the weather to cool down!  It's getting there.  Instead of the high's being around 110 or so, the highs are now in the low 100's.  Over the next 10 days, the forecast predicts only 1 day with a high of 100.  Today has been especially nice.  It started raining this morning, and it's helped alleviate both the heat and some of the humidity.  I am excited for a winter of walking with my babies and playing outside!

I feel like I"ve made the best of my waiting time.  There's a ton of projects I've wanted to get done before Lucy got here, and Jordan and I have been slowly chipping away at our list.  It feels good to have my house in order.  Jordan has been such a great sport about working all day and then coming home and helping me with various projects that are too physically intensive for a women so great with child.

Anyway, we're waiting, but we feel like it's proactive waiting.  Life is good here.

Friday, August 31, 2012

Cute Clara Stories - Obedient Child Edition

I love that I'm getting to that part of parenthood where I have stories.  Cute little stories about a cute little girl.

Clara is consistently a pretty obedient child, especially for only being 1.  Sure, she has her moments (like the entire time we were in Utah for Kaitlyn's wedding... that was torture), but when she feels secure and knows her environment, she almost always does what I say.

Back in July when we were in Alaska, Grandma Hull was doing some baking for Kaitlyn's reception up there.  They were making those peanut butter cookies with Hershey's kisses in them.  Clara's 5 year old cousin Hannah was up on the kitchen bar helping Grandma by unwrapping Hershey's kisses.  They decided they wanted Clara to help too.  I was a little nervous; Clara didn't know what Hershey's kisses were, but how long until she put on in her mouth and realized it was chocolate?  And then made a huge mess?  But Grandma and Hannah were insistent, and so up Clara went onto the bar to help.  And she did really well for about 5 minutes!  Then she did it... she put one in her mouth.  Grandma saw and said, "Clara, no, don't eat it!"  Grandma swears she saw Clara practically roll her eyes, sigh, take the chocolate out of her mouth, put it on the counter, and then proceeded to spend another 15 MINUTES unwrapping Hershey's kisses and decidedly NOT eating any more (ok, so maybe she has an attitude about being obedient...).  Hannah got bored before all the Hershey's kisses were unwrapped, but Clara stayed until they were ALL unwrapped for Grandma.  What one year old does that?!

While we were in Utah, we shared a hotel room with Jordan's brother Michael and his wife Anna (who got a kid free weekend!).  I was feeling a bit guilty that they had to share a room with us and Clara, and I was really worried she would wake them up.  She definitely did wake up a few times in the night and woke them up, but it wasn't as bad as it could have been.  But the most amazing thing was the mornings.  Mike and Anna would wake up about half an hour to 45 minutes before us and start getting ready.  They would see Clara awake, and Clara could see Jordan and I still sleeping, but she wouldn't make a sound.  She just smiled at Mike and Anna as they got ready, and quietly waited until Jordan and I woke up.  No, really, what toddler does this?

When it's time for naps or bed, I always ask, "Clara, are you ready for sleep?" and she ALWAYS says, "No!"  Of course she doesn't want the fun to end.  But then I say, "Alright, let's go upstairs!  Time for naps!" and she obediently follows me up.  Today she even ran ahead of me and yelled, "Let's go!" and hurried me up the stairs.  I had to go into another room once we got upstairs, and when I came back I expected her to be running around like a crazy person expecting me to chase her down.  But no, there she was, in her room, laying on her back right next to the diapers, waiting patiently for me to come change her diaper before I put her into her nap outfit.  AND SHE'S 1!

Anyway, she is such a fun kid, and it's been so great that she's been obedient.  It makes me not feel too anxious to have another baby.  She seems to have learned what it means to be "gentle" and she always reacts to when we say "no."  Of course two kids is going to be an adjustment, but I would be lying if I said I didn't feel totally grateful Clara was my kid.  I really believe her sweet and kind disposition is going to make all the difference in the transition from 1 to 2 kids.

Thursday, August 16, 2012

Pregnancy Update

Well, I'm entering the last weeks of pregnancy.  I'm almost 34 weeks pregnant, and man am I feeling it!  The heartburn... oh the heartburn.  Bending over is basically something I avoid at all costs.  I try negotiate out of picking up Clara.  Oh, and the evil, evil restless leg syndrome.  Did anyone else have that?  It's SO annoying.  Sometimes I just feel like my leg HAS to move, at the most inconvenient times.  

The biggest, most painful difference between this pregnancy and the last are my contractions.  Well, I think they are technically just painful Braxton-Hicks, but they have been with me since about 16 weeks.  If I get too dehydrated, if I walk too much, if it's too hot... all of will make me have some pretty breath-taking contractions (not in a good way).  The last time I got the flu, I got so dehydrated so quickly that I ended up in the hospital because my contractions were so very painful.  Honestly, I haven't had contractions that painful since I was in labor with Clara, and I had pitocin and my water was broken.  This weekend my contractions were particularly annoying because I was at my sister-in-law's wedding, where we were staying and walking all over temple square.  It was hot, lots of walking, not enough water... it was all very slow going.  And the kicker is that I"m feeling pretty certain that it's not even going to mean I get to have Lucy early.  I'm almost totally certain I will get to 40 weeks and then some... sigh.  

At my appointment yesterday, the first thing the nurse practitioner said when I laid down was, "Wow!  That's a big belly!"  Yeah, thanks lady.  :)  Anyway, when did my stomach measurements, she was pretty surprised to find out that I'm measuring at 38 weeks, when I'm only supposed to be 33.  Granted, that measurement isn't the most accurate, BUT that's kinda a big difference.  So she sent me into an ultrasound.  Lots of good news: the baby is head down and unlikely to flip back (yay!), the baby has hair, and a chubby belly (I love that technology can tell us stuff like that!), and everything is looking good.  She IS measuring big.  They couldn't tell me anything official, but I saw the numbers on the screen.  I should be 33 weeks, and she was consistently measuring at 36 weeks.  Now, this might not mean much, and I acknowledge that this is also a pretty inaccurate measurement (I can't tell you how many people were told they were having 10 pound babies and ended up having 7 or 8 pounders), but it would make sense.  My due date was pushed back by a week early in my pregnancy, of which I have been extremely suspicious.  So if you move my due date to September 20th, and then realize that Clara was ALWAYS measuring 2 weeks ahead through the whole pregnancy (even though I'm almost certain her due date was correct), then it would all make sense.  I just have bigger-ish babies (Clara was 7lb 13oz at 39 weeks), and my original due date was correct.  Anyway, I don't necessarily believe I"m going to go into labor weeks and weeks early, I could even go to my current due date (September 29th), and I"m not particularly worried about a big baby, I think my body deal with it.  More than anything I like feeling knowing there's a reason that I feel extra huge, and that perhaps I was right the whole time about my due date (ha!).  

The most amazing thing this pregnancy has been how quickly it's gone by!  I know I still have 6ish weeks left, but those days are filled wtih busy times with a little girl, cleaning, and hopefully some BYU football here soon.  Today I was making a list of projects I want to get done before Lucy is born, and I"m feeling motivated to get stuff done and feel just totally ready for this baby.  I'm so excited to meet her!  


Thursday, August 9, 2012

Parenting Books

I enjoy talking and reading about parenting topics.  Partly because I felt totally clueless going into being a parent with Clara, and so I turned to books for support.  Anyway, I have a couple of books that I have REALLY enjoyed reading and I feel that have really helped me so far, so I thought I'd share.


Healthy Sleep Habits, Happy Child by Marc Weissbluth  (Best for help with ages 0-5)

This is my baby sleep bible.  The reason I like this book more than any other sleep book I've read is because it isn't necessarily about methodology (such as crying-it-out vs. co-sleeping, although he DOES have some tips on that... for the record he supports both, whatever works for your familiy), but it's more about research surrounding children and sleep.  The most useful thing I gained from this book was to understand what healthy sleep looked like for various ages, and then offered some tips on how to help them reach that point.  But in general, I could decide what I felt comfortable with in terms of actually implementing a sleep schedule.  For instance, I really didn't feel comfortable letting Clara cry-it-out before she was 6 months old, and even then I didn't let her cry-it-out through the night until she was almost a year old.  But I knew what healthy sleep was supposed to look like, so I used other methods to help her get as much asleep as she needed.  I still go back and refer to this book when I have questions about Clara dropping naps or waking up earlier than normal.



Happiest Baby on the Block by Harvey Neil Karp (Best for help for ages 0-4 months)

I used this book in conjunction with Healthy Sleep Habits to learn how to deal with newborns.  I was terrified of Clara having colic.  This book made me feel like I at least had some tools at my disposal if I did find myself with a colicy baby.  Thankfully, Clara did NOT have colic, but I still found his tips and information to be extremely useful when dealing with little newborns, and now I can't help but look at a newborn and think, "aw, that baby is still kinda a  fetus!"  Besides being useful, I like how Dr. Karp writes.  He is positive and hopeful, and just humorous enough.



Baby-Proofing Your Marriage by Stacie Cockrell, Cathy O'Neill and Julia Stone (Best for Parents!)

Ok, these ladies aren't really doctors, but they did their research and I agreed with their perspective on marriage, and frankly I just found this book dead useful.  I particularly enjoyed the chapters on "What Wives Need" and "What Husbands Need."  I found it very illuminating, and it changed the way I approached my marriage after Clara was born.  I didn't follow all of their advise, such as suggesting mothers go on a short weekend away while leaving the baby with dad, mostly because I never really felt the need and preparing to go on vacation seemed like more work than I wanted to do, but having a good perspective on your marriage even after the baby is born is so helpful and so needed.



Parenting with Love and Logic by Foster Cline and Jim Fay/Love and Logic Magic for Early Childhood: Practical Parenting from Birth to Six Years by Jim Fay and Charles Fay (best for ages 1-18)

So I haven't actually read the original Parenting with Love and Logic, my mother-in-law sent me the toddler book, but I love love love LOVE the parenting principles taught in these books.  I actually was able to attend a free seminar last summer, and it was so good.  The basic idea is to allow natural consequences to teach your child (instead of you constantly bailing them out of consequences), expressing real sympathy when they have to deal with those bad consequences, and allowing kids to have as many choices as possible.  I've been trying to implement the love and logic dialogue into my life, since my first instinct is to always yell and nag (which is NOT parenting with love and logic).  For instance, when Clara throws a tantrum, I say, "Babies who throw tantrums have to go to their room for 3 minutes." I don't offer any warnings, that is just the consequence of throwing a tantrum.  When Clara begins to whine at me, I say, "I can't hear children who whine."  (All of this within reason, of course, as long as her basic needs are met and this isn't just about a communication problem, which because Clara is still learning to talk, we're working through).  I try to give her as much freedom to make her own choices as possible, even if that means she might hurt herself a little (not a lot).  When she does fall off of a chair, I show genuine empathy that she got hurt (again, when we're not looking at a life threatening problem or a major injury).  She is smart enough (and I know she's smart enough) not to make the same mistake again.  I have allowed the natural consequences to teach her the lesson, instead of spending all my time trying to get her to not climb on the chair.  I really do love this book a thousand times over, I'm going to re-read it over the next few weeks, and I suggest everyone give it a try.  It's possible it's not for every family, but I really can not over emphasize how much this book has helped direct my parenting.



ScreamFree Parenting by Hal Edward Runkel (best for ages 1-18)

This is a recent one for me.  While I was in Alaska, my mom and I attended a 4 day, 2 1/2 hour a day seminar about this parenting method, and I'm about half way through the book (the seminar was extensive enough that I feel comfortable reviewing the book).  This is a great companion to Parenting with Love and Logic because they teach the same discipline principles, but ScreamFree Parenting is about focusing on ourselves as parents rather than on the kids.  It says that we as adults need to grow up and be mature in order to effectively be the parent our kids need.  My favorite thing it teaches is when we "scream" at our kids (or shut-down, or nag, or any sort of emotional re-activity) we're telling our kids, "I need you to behave so I can behave, because I'm incapable of controlling myself."  And what a crazy thing to be telling our kids!  The other thing I really liked about this book was the idea that we're not responsible for our children (meaning we can't control how they actually behave or the choices they make), but we are responsible to our children (providing them with the necessities of life, helping them understand consequences of their choices, etc).  It means that I simply can't control whether or not Clara throws a tantrum on a plane.  That is totally her choice.  But I am responsible to her to make sure she is well-fed, has had plenty of sleep, has enough entertainment, etc.  And ultimately, I am responsible to her that even if she does throw a tantrum (which she did, btw) not to freak out at her and start screaming, but to be the adult, to stay calm, to help her as much as possible, and to provide reasonable consequences for her choices.



Alright, these are my favorite, most helpful books I've read so far in parenting.  I know some people may not be book people, and that's totally ok, but I find that reading parenting books has given me the guidence and confidence as a parent that I wouldn't have had otherwise.  If anyone has any other suggestions, I'm always open to recommendations!

Back in Arizona!

No lies, that was the fastest 6 weeks of my life.  I can't believe it's already over.  I was really broken up over it the last week I was there.  But how do you tell your husband that you've been gone 6 1/2 weeks, and if you could, you'd stay another 2?  Well, clearly I told him, and I think overall we got a laugh, but really it was time to go home.  (Also, my sister-in-law is getting married on Monday, and they already bought my ticket to the wedding from Phoenix, so there was no point in trying to stay...).

It was exactly what I needed.  I love Fairbanks during the summer, even when it rains most days (frankly, you don't see a lot of rain in Phoenix, so that was kinda a special treat in and of itself), and I really love spending time with all the family.  I actually stayed at my in-laws mostly, but spent many of the days with my family.  I'm so grateful that they are willing to share my time without making me feel guilty at all.  It makes the whole trip so fun without any guilt or stress.  I loved having people to talk to during the day, I loved the cousins and aunts and uncles Clara got to spend time with, and I really loved being able to walk outside without melting.

Clara learned so many new things from spending time with her older cousins and aunt and uncle.  She is talking WAY more, she seems (at least at this point) more willing to share, and in general she picked up some great big kid habits.  I wish I could promise I was headed back next summer, but at this point we just don't know yet.  But I'm hoping my mom and family will come down in February or March to visit US, which would be super fun (and, frankly, that's totally the time of year to get out of Alaska and come to warm Phoenix!).

Now back to real life!  Ok, mostly. As I mentioned, we are actually headed back on a plane on Saturday to go to Salt Lake for Kaitlyn's wedding, and then we get back on Tuesday morning.  And then 6 weeks later we're having a baby... so who knows what "real life" will be after that.  I'm in the process of trying to deep clean the house and getting things organized before little Lucy makes her appearance.  But the next few weeks are full of anticipation and excitement (despite the 112 degree weather... yuck), so I'm sure they will go by quickly!!

Saturday, July 21, 2012

3 little monkeys....


Clara and Elyse snuggling on the couch
One of my most precious experiences while visiting Alaska will probably be watching Clara play with my little sister Elyse, and my little brother,Liam. Her 5 year old aunt and her 3 year olde uncle. I remember enjoying it last year, but as Clara's social skills have grown, watching her interact with these two is a pure joy in my life. I'm sure I have documented well my guilt of leaving Clara's favorite people... Whether it be away from her dad for 6 weeks, or her grandma until who knows when, and I know I'm going to feel this way about taking Clara away from Elyse and Liam. Clara's first words in the morning are "Isie!" (We affectionately call Elyse "Lysie"). She waits patiently for them to wake up in the morning. Once, when Elyse walked in the room, Clara literally jumped for joy (hilarious, btw). They have gotten into such mischief together, which is both annoying and totally endearing.

Yes, that's my mom and 3 toddlers in a body of water (ok, Elyse is technically a "big kid")

Several times during my visit, I look into the backyard and I see Clara joyfully running after Elyse and Liam.  They love to jump on the trampoline, which makes me terribly nervous, but I don't want to be one of those moms that's afraid of everything that's fun, so I go with it (I do have to scold Elyse for jumping too hard!  Her answer is that "Clara likes it that way!"  Which is true, of course... I wish my child had some fear).  They play in the sandbox, play with blocks, bang on the piano together, and read stories.
Coming in for lunch after playing outside in 50 degree weather.  It was darling to actually see Clara in a coat. We don't even own a coat in Phoenix.

What's been most fun is to see how Clara progresses when she spends time with them.  I swear her vocabulary grew about at least 20 words during a one week period we were staying at the house.  She just hears them talk and wants to be apart of it.


At Alaskaland for a community dress-up party.  Clara was dinosaur, Elyse was a princess, and Liam in the background was a penguin.  

It is such a joy to be here for the summer.  We've already been in Fairbanks for a month (!!!), and I have just over 2 weeks left.  I'm excited to see Jordan, but I'm already feeling a little stress to be leaving.  I just love being here, and even though it's been a very rainy summer, I have soaked (ha) it all in, knowing I have about 2 months left of summer and pregnancy when I get back.

Saturday, July 7, 2012

In Alaska...

So, a quick update because I think I should, but not long because I need to go to bed.  So no pics this time, you just have the melodious sound of my voice.. err... my written words...

We're in Alaska!  It was a huge drama getting here.  I managed to get the flu the day I was supposed to leave, and I was even going to change my flight to come at a later time because I couldn't imagine trying to get on a plane while puking, taking care of my inconveniently strong 21 month old, and being pregnant.  Really, the main thing that prevented that was that it was going to cost $100 to change the flight (ugh) and the only flights available would have left me in Seattle for a 16 hour layover.  The only thing worse than flying while sick is trying to entertain a toddler in an airport for 16 hours.  In some good news, I got some zofran which helped IMMENSELY, Clara was extra, extra good for our flights, and I happened to be on the same flight as my mother-in-law and sister-in-law from Seattle to Fairbanks.  I ended up not really needing their help, but just knowing there were there kept my nerves at bay.

And I'm SO glad I made it, because if I had changed my flight I would have missed being a bridesmaid (er, Matron of Honor?  Hugely pregnant matron of honor?) in my friend Katelin's wedding!!  It was SO beautiful and I was so happy be able to celebrate with Kate and Stefan.  I'm really sorry I was a probably a bit of a spoil sport.  I was having some pretty significant braxton hicks contractions because I had been sick and I was a bit dehydrated, and it was hot.  So maybe I didn't smile as much as I should have.  But I was really, really happy to be there.

Since then, it's just been enjoying the non-Phoenix heat.  Since we left it's regularly been 105-110 degrees in Arizona, and here in Fairbanks it's been between 60-70 degrees most days.  HEAVEN.  I have been staying at Jordan's parents house, but I get together with my family about 3 times a week, and on Thursday I'll go stay over there for about 10 days.  I'm really lucky, neither my parents or Jordan's parents ever make me feel guilty for not spending enough time with them.  They are friends, so they are good at sharing sweet Clara (and me, I guess, but I'm not nearly as interesting).  Clara is having SO MUCH FUN, and she loves playing with her cousins (on Jordan's side) and her young aunt and uncle (my 5 year old little sister and 3 year old little brother).  Let me tell you, 5 year old little girls are the BEST little mother's helpers EVER.  Hannah is 6, she's Clara's cousin, and Elyse is 5, my little sister, and they are such HUGE helps for me.  They love being little mommies and following Clara around and keeping her entertained.  It's such a relief.

For me, things are going well.  I miss Jordan like crazy, and we talk about an hour a day on the phone.  But I'm happy I'm here.  Today begins my 3rd trimester, which I'm happy to see.  Being pregnant isn't exactly my idea of fun, but having a little baby is, so the end (and the fun part!) is almost here (the fun part actually getting to hold the baby, NOT giving birth).  I'm feeling huge, which is ok because I'm getting to the part where I'm supposed to be huge.  My biggest complaint at this point are some pretty painful Braxton-Hicks contractions.  If I don't drink enough water, or if I over-exert myself (such as chasing a toddler who is running towards the road... yeah, I hit a full-on run that day), then they sneak up on me and they HURT!  No worries, I asked my doctor about them, and as long as they aren't consistent, then I'm fine (they aren't, I just have to lay down and drink some water and they go away), but they sure do annoy me.

I'll try to update on some specific adventures here soon, but there's the basics of our amazing, awesome time here in Fairbanks!  And I have four more weeks of fun coming my way!  WOOHOO!

Monday, June 4, 2012

Clara's antics....

Eating her food for once.
Since Clara turned 18 months old, she has suddenly become a whole lot of work!  This isn't necessarily a bad thing, but it HAS been totally exhausting and sometimes very frustrating for everyone involved.  She's just so busy and learning so much, and Mom is kinda a spoil-sport.  You know, saying no to climbing on the table, saying no to taking things out of the trash, saying no to taking highlighter to our walls, and basically saying no to all awesome and fun things this little lady wants to do.  About two weeks ago on an especially difficult day I caught her saying "No.  No.  NOOO!" (yelling the last no, of course) to her Pooh Bear.  It was a humbling mom moment.

Long gone are the days I could just hide things that I didn't' want her to have, and she would go find something else to do (or eat).  She remembers and knows exactly what she wants and WILL throw tantrums that include lying on the floor and kicking her feet.  Meal times, which have usually always been fairly easy for us, now include food strikes when I don't serve her what she wants.  And here's what kills: I would actually LOVE to make her what she wants (provided it has some nutritional value), but so far she can't really tell me.  She can say SOME stuff... but food isn't really on her list of words yet. It's incredibly frustrating for both of us.  I want to feed her something that she wants, but I also refuse to play a giant guessing game at every meal and become a short order cook.  I also decided a long time ago that I was going into this whole parenting thing believing, "Food isn't important."  The idea is that Clara doesn't have to eat all of her food, or any of it, if she doesn't want to.  She won't get anything else, but if she goes a little hungry (or if she just isn't hungry), it won't be a big deal.  When she's hungry, I will provide her with food and she will eat.  Meals do not need to be stressful.  But I can't seem to let go of this crazy instinct that my child MUST eat and I worry about it incessantly, even if I go through all my motions.  Anyway, that's a daily battle we're still fighting.  And continue repeating my mantra... "Food isn't important.  She will not die.  Food isn't important.  She will not die."

One day when Mom gave up, and she got an icee...  We were supposed to share. 
I talk about these difficulties because 1. I think it's important to be honest with ourselves and each other in our parenting struggles and 2. I also recognize these difficulties are a sign of her growing independence, and ultimately that's a good thing.  And with some struggles, there are many wonderful moments and some terribly cute things she does.  Her talking has really taken off.  I swear she says a new word a day, and just yesterday she said, "It is hot!" as clear as day.  She stills signs a lot, which I find really helpful.
Clara snuggling with her favorite person in the whole world... DADDY!

The most precious things she's started doing is showing so much kindness and affection.  She has never been a cuddly baby, and suddenly she comes up to give unsolicited snuggles, hugs and kisses.  She ADORES Jordan.  She mimics everything he does.  Last night as he was putting her to bed (early, because she has been throwing tantrums), she just snuggled up to him, pointing at their noses, their eyes, and their mouths, adn then smiling at the ceiling and looking at the fan.  I mentioned that really, Jordan is her best friend, and it's true.  Jordan is Clara's best friend, and I"m SO grateful that my baby has a wonderful, adoring father who WANTS to be her best friend.

Clara is... so difficult to describe.  The truth is that her personality is becoming so complex that it's hard to write about, because there are so many facets to her (as I'm sure this is true for all children).  Everyday I tell Jordan, "ACK!  Clara is SO difficult!"  And then at night, as I go to bed, I say to Jordan, "I love that baby so much.  I am so glad that she's ours.  Don't you think we could bring her into bed with us?"  Parenting is both so rewarding and so frustrating, and I often feel both those emotions all at once.  I love having the privilege of watching her grow into a little person.  And it's true... I AM so thankful she's mine.

Saturday, May 26, 2012

The one about our summer plans...

When I found out I was pregnant, and due in September, I knew I had to get out of Phoenix during the summer.  For as long.  as.  possible.  I was headed to Alaska anyway to attend my friend Katelin's wedding, so I just decided Clara and I were going to hang out there for, oh, 6 weeks.  I go between being totally stoked to spend the summer in Fairbanks, to feeling horribly guilty about leaving Jordan behind.  Last summer, we were in Alaska for 4 weeks, but Jordan was there for at least 1 weeks of that.  This time, because we're trying to save his PTO time for when the baby comes, he's stuck in Phoenix all by himself. For 6 weeks.  Poor guy.  I also feel a fair amount of guilt for separating Jordan and Clara for such a long amount of time.  Probably because of my own issues with my dad passing away, the thought of keeping Jordan and Clara apart just breaks my heart.

That being said, clearly my guilt isn't enough for me to suffer through 120 degree heat all summer, so Alaska here we come!  Summers in Fairbanks are so perfect... 70 degree weather, sunny all the time (and by "all the time" I literally mean 20 hours of daylight), hiking, camping and playing on playgrounds!  Both sets of Grandparents live up there, along with Jordan's sister Courtney, so I'm looking forward to all the time Clara can spend with her family.  My little sister Elyse (5) and little brother Liam (3) just love Clara to pieces, and I'm certain Clara is going to love chasing after them.  Her cousin Hannah will LOVE having another little girl around, and I'm hoping to see Courtney's family as much as possible.  (I better put in a note about how much Clara is going to LOVE spending time with her aunt Melanie, who will be very upset about being left out.  I'm counting on you as my #1 baby-sitter, Melanie!!)

As for me, I look forward to spending quality time with my mom and sister and to taking Clara to all of my favorite places I had has a child.  I love Fairbanks so much and I often feel a strong sense of homesickness.  I would love to move back and raise our children up there.  That doesn't look like a strong possibility (few Actuarial jobs for Jordan), but I can dream, can't I?

The one about Amy visiting...

Clara and Hyrum enjoying some delicious
homemade strawberry ice cream
At the beginning of May, my dear friend Amy and her sweet little boy Hyrum came to visit from Calgary!  It was SO fun.  Really, I just like having a buddy around to talk to all day.  And did we ever talk all day!  Clara and Hyrum also enjoyed the company, although Clara had to learn tough lessons about sharing, not stealing toys from others, and not stealing food from others.  She was not amused.  Hyrum was so sweet though, and it was nice to have them running around together.

Amy and Hyrum playing the guitar in the experience room.
The big thing we did while she was here was go to the Musical Instrument Museum in Phoenix.  Amy and I were voice grad students together at BYU, so we thought this would be a great thing to do together.  And it was fasinating!  Upstairs it has instruments from all over the world.  Downstairs it has an artist exhibit, where you can look at instruments and hear songs from various famous artists (including John Lennon, Elvis, and John Denver).  Our favorite part, though, was the experience room!  We set our babies free to go play with all the instruments!  There were moroccas, gongs, xylophones, and guitars, perfect for little 1 year old's to bang on.  We played in the experience room for well over an hour.  In general, the museum was surprisingly family friendly, with a family room with toys and a nursing room, and they provided strollers for us.



Having Amy and Hyrum here was so fun, and I hope we can do it again sometime in the future.  Or maybe I'll escape to Calgary next summer!  :)



Clara having fun in the Experience Room

Clara and Hyrum duking it out in the Experience Room!

The one about splash pads


It's summer in Phoenix.  It's been summer for at least 4 weeks.  This seriously sends me into mourning... I mean, April wasn't so bad, but what does it say about the rest of the summer when it's already in the 90's in April?!  Not good.  May has been regularly in the 100's.  LAME.  I know I have many friends who love the triple digits.  I am not in that group.  Add to that a complete lack of rain (which I love and yes I'm totally aware that I'm weird), and this is just my least favorite time of year.

The good news is that we've discovered the joys of Splash Pads!!!  They are basically giant sprinklers where small kids run around.  The water never accumulates above an inch, so you don't have to stress about little ones drowning, and they have some fun public ones at the various nice malls around Phoenix and Scottsdale, totally free!  For the last 3 weeks we've been going about twice a week for an hour.  When I start getting too warm, I just walk out for a second to cool my feet, and I find I can even tolerate 90 degree weather (while pregnant!).  It DOES wipe me out the rest of the day.  I always have to take an afternoon nap after we go, and it takes me hours to feel cool again.

(Brief history: I found while I was pregnant with Clara that I have a very low tolerance for heat while pregnant.  When I stay outside in above 80 degree weather for too long, I get headaches, feel very weak, and I seriously spend the rest of the day trying to cool off.  It usually takes me several hours of sitting beside an air conditioning fan).



Clara is totally un-phased by the heat, which makes me really nervous.  She would go play out in 100 degree weather all day, without any water to cool off.  I'm just not used to dealing with this!  I totally know what to do with kids when it's -30 degrees out.  But 100s?  I don't know... heat stroke really freaks me out (while I could totally deal with frost-bite).

The good news is we have another two weeks in Phoenix, where it shouldn't get to CRAZY temperatures (above 110 degrees), so we can keep going to splash pads and swimming pools.  Then we head to Utah for a week, then back to Phoenix for three days, and then to Fairbanks for 6 1/2 weeks!  And in Fairbanks, we can have the most perfect, most beauiful summer EVER!  But more on that later...