Christmastime in the face of tragedy

This Christmas has been one of my most difficult years.  I have missed my family.  I have missed the snow.  I have have missed my husband, who has needed to put in long hours of work.  I have felt overwhelmed with trying to establish Christmas for my 2 year old when I have a newborn who requires so much attention, and who kinda binds me to the house.  I have missed sleep.  Really, I have missed sleep a lot.  The truth is, it hasn't felt much like Christmas at all.  Sure, I have a tree, but I have really struggled to grab that Christmas feeling.

Last night I was feeling particularly sorry for myself.  There was a relief society Christmas Progressive dinner I really wanted to attend, but Jordan had to work late again.  He worked really hard to come home in time so that I could at least go to the dessert (where I had signed up to bring a dish).  I almost didn't go, thinking it wasn't worth it.  But Jordan pushed me out the door with my brownies, and I showed up just in time at the last house.  I was lucky, the majority of the program was at this particular house, so I got to attend the most important part (yay!).  There was a wonderful speaker who talked about doing three things to make this a Christ centered holiday:

1. Look at yourself in the mirror and see yourself the way the Savior sees you.
2. Compliment someone everyday.
3. Find something magical in the season everyday.

I was touched by this list.  These were exactly what I was struggling with, and I went home a little teary, remembering the tender mercies of the Lord, that He knows me.  I was all geared up for the next day, ready to feel Christmasy armed with my little to-do list that was surely going to make everything better.

Then, today, the horrible news about the shootings in Connecticut   I think everyone is horrified.  How can I feel the Christmas spirit when there's such evil?  When there is so much pain?  I think of the terror those sweet babies must have felt.  The horror their parents feel.  Can't we just cancel Christmas this year?

And then for the first time, I feel like I've been able to feel what Christmas is about.  The strains of "Peace on Earth" that we hear over and over in the hymns.  I think we often hope that the world will be saved by someone who will totally eradicate evil, will make these events a thing of the past.  And I do believe that day will come, and I, along with the rest of the world, hope and pray for that day.  But the peace that Christmas brings, that the Savior brings, is the peace of the Atonement.  It's not peace in the outside world, but peace in our own hearts, it's the peace that we choose.  I know that there was a child, a Savior, born of Mary, who went on to live a life of kindness, of goodness and of compassion.  He suffered in Gethsemane  where He felt all the pain in this world, so he could more fully understand our suffering, and perfectly know how to heal us.  I know that through Him all the wrongs in this world can be made right.  I also know that there is life after death, that this is not the end.

That little baby whose birth we celebrate a Christmastime, He brought all of this goodness into the world.  And the peace I feel know is my knowledge that He is perfect, and all will be made right through Him.  And so, as I think of this tragedy today, I mourn with those that mourn, and I feel grief, but I also feel peace.  I will look to the Savior this Christmas, and teach my children of His Goodness, and pray that all will feel of His Peace.

"And behold, he shall be born of Mary, at Jerusalem... she being a virgin, a precious and chosen vessel, who shall be overshadowed and conceive by the power of the Holy Ghost, and bring forth a son, yea, even the Son of God.  And he shall go forth, suffering pains and afflictions and temptations of every kind; and this that the word might be fulfilled which saith he will take upon him the pains and the sicknesses of his people.  And he will take upon him death, that he may loose the bands of death which bind his people; and he will take upon him their infirmities, that his bowels may be filled with mercy, according to the flesh, that he may know according to the flesh how to succor his people according to their infirmities.  Now the Spirit knoweth all things; nevertheless the Son of God suffereth according to the flesh that he might take upon him the sins of his people..."

Book of Mormon, Alma 7:10-13