I'm not totally sure what's going on. My moods and emotions have been all over the place the last week or so. I guess it could still be postpartum hormones bouncing around in my body, although it seems a bit "late" to me. I'll be 6 weeks postpartum on Wednesday, aren't I past the crazy mood swings yet?
One day this week, Clara asked to go for a walk. What a delightful idea, I thought. Clara was so excited that she helped me get everything ready, setting up the stroller and she was sitting so quietly when I was getting Lucy ready. Everything was going great until I tried to put Lucy in the Moby. Awfulness ensued. I guess I'm just doing the wrap incorrectly or something, but Lucy is NOT ok with being carried around in the Moby. We don't have a double stroller, so if Lucy won't deal with the Moby, then we're not going anywhere. I had to tell a very disappointed Clara to please come back in, and tears ensued for all three of us. Thankfully, Clara was calmed down with an episode of Blue's Clues and Lucy eventually went to sleep. Me? I spent most of the day crying on and off. Can you say over-reaction? I just couldn't get over it and spent the rest of the day kinda wallowing.
Today was another rough day. Again, things were tricky with both kids. It was hard to enjoy church when it just seemed like at least one kid was always crying. But the truth is there's a couple of things really hanging over me. First, I worry I haven't made any really good friends here in Phoenix. I mean, I have made friends, and I have people that I very much like and enjoy spending time with, but I worry that they don't feel the same about me. I'm really looking for a friend that can be my "replacement" family here in Phoenix, and I don't think I've found that yet. And it makes me sad. The second issue is related to that: we're here for the holidays. Every year that we've been married, we've always gone to Missouri for at least ONE holiday, and I LOVE it. And this year, between reunions, marriages and having a baby, Jordan just does not have the time off.
I'm ridiculously broken up over it. It's so silly, and I feel so frivolous but it makes me tear up just thinking about being in Phoenix by ourselves for Thanksgiving and Christmas. If we had good friends here that I felt like we could spend the holidays with, I don't think it would be so sad, but we just don't (yet). It doesn't help that Jordan isn't the most social fellow, so he's totally happy that it's just us. I actually think he might be a little offended that I feel the need to have other people around.
But really, the issue to all of these things is they're all OVER-REACTIONS. Why can't I just put things in perspective and move on? Why can't I just get over it already? There are times (lots of times, really) that I feel great. I feel like my life is on track, I'm making progress, that I'm GOING somewhere. When people ask how I feel, I always say, "Great!" and I really feel like I mean it. There are so many great things about my life. And then there are days I can't stop crying.
I don't think it's anything clinical. Most likely (even though it seems weird to me) it's post baby hormones messing with my head. And even beyond that, our family has gone through a major change, and whenever I go through a major life change I get serious emotional whip lash. I shouldn't even be surprised.
Anyone else emotionally everywhere in the months following having a baby? Am I crazy and I just don't know it?
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I totally could have written this blog, every single detail!!! We just celebrated my babies first birthday but you described my last year, alone for holidays, no friends, unsocial husband... everything. I didn't cry but I wasn't me and I have felt inexplicably bummed about a lot of things. I finally decided I had postpartum depression. I have learned that it manifests itself in lots of ways and what you are describing is one of them. Apparently it can have it's onset several months after birth so it's still those darn hormones! I am finally starting to feel better, starting. My recommendation is talk to your dr. There are things you can do besides medicine if you would prefer but it will make the next year and beyond so much better. I just recently decided this and wish I would have noticed earlier as I think I would have had a much better year. Don't keep feeling this way and just take care of it so you can feel better, enjoy your babies, and more! Let me know if I can do anything. It is no fun to be so easily upset or feel bleh all the time.
ReplyDeleteThanks, Megan, I'm so glad you wrote this. It's such a relief to hear, and that you survived. My 6 week appointment is on Wednesday, and I think I"m definitely going to start a conversation with my doc. Hearing this kinda makes me feel like I have "permission" to talk about with her, does that make sense? Anyway, thank you, you wrote exactly what I needed to hear.
DeleteMakes total sense. I don't know why it is unacceptable for us to have negative feelings or hard days as mothers but boy do we. We need support and help. I am glad you haven't had your appt yet, it's the perfect opportunity!
DeleteI found that talking about my struggles. Being open with Tristan and with myself certainly helped. I didn't really realize what was going on until I went in to my dr. for a regular physical and ended up breaking down in tears. She wrote that script for me and I think that was a turning point. I didn't want to have to be on meds, but knowing they were there helped me get out of it a bit more on my own. I will still have some days that I struggle with and I totally blame my stressful year. For me I really needed an attitude change. But the main point was that talking about depression certainly helped lift my burden. I hope the blog has been cathartic for you and things get easier!
ReplyDeleteAnd by-the-way... We'll likely be moving cross country in December and may even beg to stay with you over-night... I'm really hoping it works out!
I'm with you on the talking. When I have someone to talk to I can tell my mood improves drastically. Jordan is great, but I really crave talking with other women, which has been a real issue. Being a stay at home mom just isn't naturally conducive to making friends. I have a doctor's appointment on Wednesday, and I think I"ll talk to my doctor then. Thanks for being open with me. :)
DeleteAnd of COURSE you are welcome to stay here! We really do have plenty of room. Your girls could even sleep in a separate room from you, so no worries. Any ideas where you think you're going to end up?
I feel you Amanda! I have blue and very emotional days occasionally. About 6 months after Janen was born I was constantly feeling overwhelmed and irrititated. i didn't want to admit that I had a problem. I tried to eat right and exercise and keep my mind per-occupied, but something wasn't right. Finally when Janen was about a year old, I went to the doctor. Found out I had anxiety and borderline depression. Got started on meds (but hated that I was on them). I was on them for 6 months when I found out I was pregnant with Elsie. I was already starting to wean myself off them (because i hate that I had to take them in the first place) so when i had to quit cold turkey luckily there weren't any major ramifications. But then about a month later, the anxiety and depression were back and I had to deal with it until a friend told me about another solution. A few friends told me they suffered from different things like depression, anxiety, bipolar disorder and started taking Doterra's Life Long Vitality. They all swear it works and so I tried it out. I did it for 3 months (it's really expensive) and it got me back on track. Now I just make sure I try and take similar vitamins and minerals to try and maintain that balance. This is of course if you are uncomfortable with taking prescription meds which I am.
ReplyDeleteand i have a moby wrap and it can be really hard to figure out at first. especially when you have a crying baby. It helps me to go in the bathroom and look in the mirror while I'm putting the baby in. Make sure they are snuggled high on your chest with their legs pulled up in fetal position. If doing it by yourself is making you nervous at all. Try getting used to it when Jordan can be around to help you support the baby while you try to tuck her and get all the necessary fabric pulled around her little body. The more you do it, the more comfortable it becomes I promise!
Also, ditto to what you said about friends. Oh how i need close friends nearby!!
sorry this was a novel!