2012 in Review

Remembering 2012, here we go!

January: We were finishing up the process of buying our house!  I found out I was pregnant with Lucy halfway through the month, and the morning sickness started a couple of weeks later.

January fun

February: We got the keys to our house, but we had the whole month to move in.  I hate moving, so it was stressful, but Jordan did a good job of working lots of hours and doing all the packing.

This is how I remember feeling in February...

March: We officially live at our new house, and started going to our new ward.  Back in January before I found out I was pregnant, I had decided to go visit Kelly (Jordan's sister) in Connecticut.  The flight were horrible!  Clara was incredibly difficult, and my morning sickness is made much worse by planes and motion sickness.  But I had a BLAST in Connecticut   Jordan went to LA for the Healthcare Conference for his work while I was away and learned how to play golf!

Clara and Caroline in Hartford

April: Ok, I can't remember April much.  Getting hotter, getting more pregnant, Clara talking more.  The usual.  :)

One of the few pictures we took in April...

May: AMY AND HYRUM CAME TO VISIT AND IT WAS AWESOME!  Seriously, though, we had so much fun and I can't wait to do it again at some point in the future.  We played, went to the Musical Instrument Museum, made ice cream, and generally had a great time.  We also found out that we were having another little girl in May!  I was so so excited to have have two little girls.

Clara and Hyrum eating homemade ice cream

June: Tons of business.  First, my cousin Melissa and her husband Thomas stayed at our house for a couple of days.  We played games and talked a bunch, it was so fun!  After that, we headed to Utah for Jordan's family reunion (happening at the same time as the extended family Hull Reunion and the Thompson Reunion).  It was so fun, but WAY too short.  I had gotten used to spending weeks with Jordan's family, and I hated that this was over in 6 days (I couldn't stop crying at the end because I didn't want to say goodbye and I was pregnant).  After we got home, three days later I had to get on a plane with Clara and go spend 6 1/2 weeks in Alaska.  The day I was supposed to leave, I got very sick and I wasn't sure if I could make it, but I got on that dumb plane anyway and we made it to Fairbanks in one whole, very tired piece.  The next day was my dear friend Katelin's wedding, which I was both a bridesmaid and singing in the wedding, so that was lots of craziness.

Taking pictures for Daddy with Mom all dressed up for Katelin's wedding

July: I spent the WHOLE MONTH in Fairbanks!  We played with cousins and aunts and uncles and Grandmas and Grandpas and overall had a grand time.  I loved the cool weather while I was in my third trimester.  I managed to get the flu AGAIN while I was in Alaska, and I had to spend an afternoon in the hospital getting IV fluids and having some extremely painful contractions.

Dressed up as book charaters at a Library party at Alaskaland

August: I had so much fun in Alaska, I didn't want to leave.  I almost asked Jordan if I could extend my already lengthy trip (poor guy), but after I got home, I had to turn around AGAIN and fly to Utah for Kaitlyn and Eddie's wedding!  Alright, I won't lie, that trip was so hard.  It was hot, I was 33 weeks pregnant, I had to walk all over temple square and I was having contractions like crazy.  But the wedding was beautiful!  After we got home, that was it, no more traveling until the baby was born.

Clara and cousin Hannah helping Grandma Hull Cook

September: Lucy was born on the 19th!!!!  YAY!  I'm so glad she's here and apart of our family.  She's so beautiful and so sweet.

Brand new little Lucy!

October: Robin came to stay with us to help with the baby for a week, and then my MIL came for another weeks and she completely redid my house!  LOVE IT!  Clara was a very cute little owl for Halloween, and Lucy was a football.

Cute girls!

November: Pinetop and Eagar for Thanksgiving!  It was so nice getting out of Phoenix for a bit.

Hanging out in Pinetop with Mom

December: Christmas with just our little family, and it was so nice.  Really, we have been so blessed, and it's been wonderful to remember that this time of year.

Happy Sisters!

And here's to a new year with fun adventures and plenty of time with family!

Christmastime in the face of tragedy

This Christmas has been one of my most difficult years.  I have missed my family.  I have missed the snow.  I have have missed my husband, who has needed to put in long hours of work.  I have felt overwhelmed with trying to establish Christmas for my 2 year old when I have a newborn who requires so much attention, and who kinda binds me to the house.  I have missed sleep.  Really, I have missed sleep a lot.  The truth is, it hasn't felt much like Christmas at all.  Sure, I have a tree, but I have really struggled to grab that Christmas feeling.

Last night I was feeling particularly sorry for myself.  There was a relief society Christmas Progressive dinner I really wanted to attend, but Jordan had to work late again.  He worked really hard to come home in time so that I could at least go to the dessert (where I had signed up to bring a dish).  I almost didn't go, thinking it wasn't worth it.  But Jordan pushed me out the door with my brownies, and I showed up just in time at the last house.  I was lucky, the majority of the program was at this particular house, so I got to attend the most important part (yay!).  There was a wonderful speaker who talked about doing three things to make this a Christ centered holiday:

1. Look at yourself in the mirror and see yourself the way the Savior sees you.
2. Compliment someone everyday.
3. Find something magical in the season everyday.

I was touched by this list.  These were exactly what I was struggling with, and I went home a little teary, remembering the tender mercies of the Lord, that He knows me.  I was all geared up for the next day, ready to feel Christmasy armed with my little to-do list that was surely going to make everything better.

Then, today, the horrible news about the shootings in Connecticut   I think everyone is horrified.  How can I feel the Christmas spirit when there's such evil?  When there is so much pain?  I think of the terror those sweet babies must have felt.  The horror their parents feel.  Can't we just cancel Christmas this year?

And then for the first time, I feel like I've been able to feel what Christmas is about.  The strains of "Peace on Earth" that we hear over and over in the hymns.  I think we often hope that the world will be saved by someone who will totally eradicate evil, will make these events a thing of the past.  And I do believe that day will come, and I, along with the rest of the world, hope and pray for that day.  But the peace that Christmas brings, that the Savior brings, is the peace of the Atonement.  It's not peace in the outside world, but peace in our own hearts, it's the peace that we choose.  I know that there was a child, a Savior, born of Mary, who went on to live a life of kindness, of goodness and of compassion.  He suffered in Gethsemane  where He felt all the pain in this world, so he could more fully understand our suffering, and perfectly know how to heal us.  I know that through Him all the wrongs in this world can be made right.  I also know that there is life after death, that this is not the end.

That little baby whose birth we celebrate a Christmastime, He brought all of this goodness into the world.  And the peace I feel know is my knowledge that He is perfect, and all will be made right through Him.  And so, as I think of this tragedy today, I mourn with those that mourn, and I feel grief, but I also feel peace.  I will look to the Savior this Christmas, and teach my children of His Goodness, and pray that all will feel of His Peace.

"And behold, he shall be born of Mary, at Jerusalem... she being a virgin, a precious and chosen vessel, who shall be overshadowed and conceive by the power of the Holy Ghost, and bring forth a son, yea, even the Son of God.  And he shall go forth, suffering pains and afflictions and temptations of every kind; and this that the word might be fulfilled which saith he will take upon him the pains and the sicknesses of his people.  And he will take upon him death, that he may loose the bands of death which bind his people; and he will take upon him their infirmities, that his bowels may be filled with mercy, according to the flesh, that he may know according to the flesh how to succor his people according to their infirmities.  Now the Spirit knoweth all things; nevertheless the Son of God suffereth according to the flesh that he might take upon him the sins of his people..."

Book of Mormon, Alma 7:10-13

Clara

I haven't written a post about Clara lately, because writing about Clara is too complex for me.  She's just turning into this amazing, funny little person, and I can never quite capture it when writing.  But I'm going to try to write some stuff, if nothing else so I remember.

She LOVES being a big sister, and has been an absolute dream.  We were warned over and over again about jealousy and that she would have such a hard time with the baby.  I am so grateful that neither of these things were true for Clara.  She wakes up every morning saying, "Baby?  Baby?" and runs to find her.  She gives Lucy unsolicited kisses, and understands that she needs to be very gentle.  She's always been very sensitive when Lucy cries, and gets concerned, offering her binkie and saying, "Momma!  Baby crying!"  When Lucy cries in the car, she very gently but firmly says, "Lucy, stop.  Lucy, stop."  Never yells at her or gets mad, more like she's enforcing a rule.  With that, just the last few days Lucy has shown a lot more interest in Clara.  When Clara passes, Lucy looks at her and smiles.  I think we're getting into big-sister-will-make-little-sister-laugh territory.  I know it's too soon to tell, but I'm so hopeful that they'll like each other and want to play together.  Jordan and I were discussing this the other day, and we realized that Clara is ALWAYS going to love Lucy and want to play with her, that's just her personality.  Really, it's whether or not Lucy is going to get annoyed with Clara...

Clara's talking is really taking off!  She was a little later than some kids, but I wasn't too worried.  It fits her personality that she waited to talk until she was a bit more confident.  Our biggest issue now is that her binkie is really in the way, and I haven't been disciplined enough to take away the binkie during the day.  Sometimes, even without the binkie, she'll talk like she has it in her mouth.  Other than that, she says new and funny things every day!  And I'm surprised at how much she really understands me.

When you have a second baby, teaching the concept of "patience" is an absolute necessity.  And I'm very lucky to have Clara, who has always been naturally patient.  Sometimes I simply can't do things right away for her because of Lucy or we're in the car or something, and I can say, "Clara, you're going to have to wait.  Can you wait a little bit for me?  I promise I will do this/get that/play with you as soon as I'm done."  She always says yes.  Now, how long "wait" means varies depending on how tired she is, but overall I think her abilities are very impressive for a 2 year old.  I try to ALWAYS follow through to re-enforce the idea that if you wait, you can get what you asked for, but really, it isn't me.  Clara just has a really sweet, patient temperament, and for that I am so very, very grateful.

She loves loves loves Jordan.  Those two are like peas in a pod.  When he's home, they play and play and play, and Clara wants to copy everything he does.  When she's hurt, she cries for Daddy.  She will do things for him that she'll NEVER do for me (like eat dinner!).  I love watching them, and I"m so glad they're so close.

Clara's imagination is really blooming.  She loves her stuffed animals and they are her "babies."  She likes to name them them after her friends.  She puts them to bed, feeds them food and chews them out ("Stop it.  Now!").  She also loves her blocks.  She likes to build things and then show me and Jordan.

I could go on and on all day, and you'd  only see a fraction of her sweet personality.  I am so grateful she is mine.  She makes me smile every day.

Adventures in newborn sleep...

... well, "adventures" could actually translate quite well to "tears" for all involved (except Jordan, I suppose).  I'm not good with the whole sleep deprivation thing.  Sometimes I just cry, and then I feel like a horrible mother.  Why am I crying?  I'm such a wimp.

Anyway, Lucy keeps me guessing.  There's actually some really good things happening with her sleep.  1- She's got her days and nights going right, and her bedtime has moved up to between 5:30-6, which is where it's supposed to be (at least according to Healthy Sleep Habits, Healthy Child, my favorite sleep book).  When she goes down at night, she sleeps all night (meaning when she eats, she doesn't expect to play, she just goes back to sleep).  She did this all naturally, and I'm very grateful.  2- We have gotten into a great routine of Eat, Play, Sleep.  She doesn't want to be nursed to sleep, which is both a blessing and a curse (more on this later).  Her awake times are about 1 hour, and then she naps for 45 min-2 hours and then she eats.  It's a good schedule.  Sometimes I can even get her to go to sleep on her own when I put her down drowsy.  Maybe about 25% of the time.  Not bad.

Now, for the bad.  She sleeps for 8 hours at night.  Yay!  Those hours are 6pm-2am.  BOO.  I have tried to move it.  Feed her when I go to sleep, etc.  No luck.  She feels the need to wake up and eat between 2-4, no matter what I do.  It's so lame.  I think I just have to wait for her to out-grow it.

If she's awake for much longer than an hour, she becomes extremely overtired and is incredibly difficult to put to sleep.  She just gets herself so worked up nothing can calm her down.  While I love I don't have an eat-sleep association, it would be so helpful if she would eat and calm down when she was so worked up and exhausted.  Alas, she refuses to nurse when she's really angry.  This is a total turn around from Clara, who LOVED nursing.  Feeding her could solve any problem, and I loved how I always had the ability to calm her down.  With Lucy, I feel so powerless sometimes.  When she got her vaccinations, I was already to take her and feed her and get her soothed before we left.  She would.not.latch.  It was upsetting for me, I felt like I had failed her as her mother.  :(

The biggest issue is that Lucy is so routine bound that when we mess it up, she won't sleep.  She struggles to sleep in car seats, and I have tried every carrier and she kinda hates all of them.  Church is bad, but the evening after church is an absolute nightmare.  She doesn't sleep at church (remember how she won't sleep in car seats?), so when it comes time to go to bed she's so overtired that it's nearly impossible to get her to stay asleep.  This has caused me to be quite home bound.  It's just not worth it to leave in almost all cases.  I'm looking forward to the day I can leave the house and know I won't pay for it later...

Anyway, that was a whole bunch of whining on my part, I know.  I remind myself it does get better, and eventually she will sleep.  Frankly, with some of the good habits she has so far, she should sleep through the night sooner than Clara did (11 months).  Until then, I'll dream of 5 hours of consecutive sleep...

Thanksgiving in Pinetop

This Thanksgiving, we decided to get out of Phoenix for a bit.  Jordan's parents have a timeshare up there, and we decided to take advantage of the condo and take in some nice cooler weather.  It was such a relief to see pine trees!

For Thanksgiving itself, we drove about an hour past Pinetop to Eagar, where my Aunt and Uncle live.  We had Thanksgiving with their family  which was a blast.  I was kinda depressed with the idea of eating Thanksgiving Dinner with just Jordan and I, wrestling Clara to try SOMETHING.  Thanksgiving is much more fun with a larger group of people, in my opinion.  My Aunt and Uncle have a couple of granddaughters Clara's age, so she spent the day running around and playing.

We stayed in Pinetop an additional day.  We were staying in a condo, which had a couple of rooms and a full kitchen, perfect for parents with kids.  We had a Harry Potter marathon, kept up with football, and went and played on the playground.  It was so relaxing.  The door had handles instead of knobs, which meant Clara could leave her room.  We woke up a couple of times in the middle of the night with Clara in Jordan's face saying, "Hi Dada!  Hi Dada!  Play?"  While a bit annoying, it was kinda cute.

Anyway, overall it was a great choice.  I hope to go back sometime this summer to escape the Phoenix heat.  It was so nice!

Lucy at 1 month

After yesterday's downer of a post, here's some happier fare.

I'll be honest, I'm crazy lucky.  I made cute, easy babies.  Both Clara and Lucy have been easy infants, although in different ways.  Clara was easily appeased with nursing and she rarely fussed.  But she really struggled to sleep longer than 2 hours at any given time.  Lucy fusses more frequently, is harder to calm down, and is overall MUCH louder than Clara.  But she makes up for it by sleeping... oh, the sleep!  She sleeps for at least 3 hours at a time, often 4, and I've even gotten some 6 hour stints at night.  SO GREAT.  I didn't get that out of Clara until she was 5 months old.

So, Lucy sleeps in longer chunks.  That meas she also doesn't nurse nearly as often, and the space between feedings is getting farther apart everyday.  This is both awesome and unnerving.  I never stop worrying if my kids are getting enough to eat.  But Lucy gives every indication of excellent growth (with some delectably chubby arms and legs... yum!), even if she only eats every 4 hours at 6 weeks.  Really, we've nailed down a routine.  Not quite a regular "schedule" yet, but definitely a routine.  She wakes up, eats, stays awake for about 45 min-1 hour, then we get her to go to sleep (this is when she's at her fussiest), and she sleeps for 2-3 hours.  Extend that time at night.  Really, you can't ask for an easier newborn.

These are pictures from her newborn session with Kailee Judd, a friend from Alaska who did a FANTASTIC job.  I love them!

I like her so much.  We've seen a couple of genuine smiles, but they are pretty rare so far.  She tolerates Clara well enough, and it's so fun to see her grow.  It's happening so so fast!

Feeling depressed... ish?

I'm not totally sure what's going on.  My moods and emotions have been all over the place the last week or so.  I guess it could still be postpartum hormones bouncing around in my body, although it seems a bit "late" to me.  I'll be 6 weeks postpartum on Wednesday, aren't I past the crazy mood swings yet?

One day this week, Clara asked to go for a walk.  What a delightful idea, I thought.  Clara was so excited that she helped me get everything ready, setting up the stroller and she was sitting so quietly when I was getting Lucy ready.  Everything was going great until I tried to put Lucy in the Moby.  Awfulness ensued.  I guess I'm just doing the wrap incorrectly or something, but Lucy is NOT ok with being carried around in the Moby.  We don't have a double stroller, so if Lucy won't deal with the Moby, then we're not going anywhere.  I had to tell a very disappointed Clara to please come back in, and tears ensued for all three of us.  Thankfully, Clara was calmed down with an episode of Blue's Clues and Lucy eventually went to sleep.  Me?  I spent most of the day crying on and off.  Can you say over-reaction?  I just couldn't get over it and spent the rest of the day kinda wallowing.

Today was another rough day.  Again, things were tricky with both kids.  It was hard to enjoy church when it just seemed like at least one kid was always crying.  But the truth is there's a couple of things really hanging over me.  First, I worry I haven't made any really good friends here in Phoenix.  I mean, I have made friends, and I have people that I very much like and enjoy spending time with, but I worry that they don't feel the same about me.  I'm really looking for a friend that can be my "replacement" family here in Phoenix, and I don't think I've found that yet.  And it makes me sad.  The second issue is related to that: we're here for the holidays.  Every year that we've been married, we've always gone to Missouri for at least ONE holiday, and I LOVE it.  And this year, between reunions, marriages and having a baby, Jordan just does not have the time off.

I'm ridiculously broken up over it.  It's so silly, and I feel so frivolous  but it makes me tear up just thinking about being in Phoenix by ourselves for Thanksgiving and Christmas.  If we had good friends here that I felt like we could spend the holidays with, I don't think it would be so sad, but we just don't (yet).  It doesn't help that Jordan isn't the most social fellow, so he's totally happy that it's just us.  I actually think he might be a little offended that I feel the need to have other people around.

But really, the issue to all of these things is they're all OVER-REACTIONS.  Why can't I just put things in perspective and move on?  Why can't I just get over it already?  There are times (lots of times, really) that I feel great.  I feel like my life is on track, I'm making progress, that I'm GOING somewhere.  When people ask how I feel, I always say, "Great!" and I really feel like I mean it.  There are so many great things about my life.  And then there are days I can't stop crying.

I don't think it's anything clinical.  Most likely (even though it seems weird to me) it's post baby hormones messing with my head.  And even beyond that, our family has gone through a major change, and whenever I go through a major life change I get serious emotional whip lash.  I shouldn't even be surprised.

Anyone else emotionally everywhere in the months following having a baby?  Am I crazy and I just don't know it?