It started as a friendship (Part 1)

(Over a year ago I wrote a couple of blog posts about my history/love story with Jordan.  They have been sitting in my posts section, unpublished, for various reasons... I was waiting until our 5 year anniversary, which has past... I was somewhat self-concious about them... etc.  But I think I should put them out there.  I think my husband is pretty amazing, and I think our story is kinda cool, but I'm not offended in the least if you totally skip these.)

One of my favorite things that I do about once a year is to go back and read the old emails Jordan and I wrote between each other the years before we got married.  And when I say "years of emails" I mean we seriously have about 5 years worth of emails and letters.  We started writing as he graduated high school into his first year of college, and as I went into my Junior year of high school.  I had a mad crush on him, and he had a steady girlfriend to whom he was pretty committed.  This, of course, did not stop me from trying to weasel my way into his life, by any means possible.  I eventually realized this meant I needed to be his friend, and I would be totally there to catch him when his relationship eventually failed (or so I hoped).

Looking back, I am more than a little ashamed of the selfish and pretty questionable ethics that prompted our friendship.  And it didn't work out at all like I thought it would, so that gives me a bit of peace of mind.

Anyway, these emails at the time were a bit of me trying to coax him into liking me.  But they have turned out to be far more valuable than that.  For instance, Jordan did NOT start emailing me to woo me, and therefore his emails are far more genuine and in many ways, fascinating glimpses into the head of a thoughtful 18 year old as his entire life is changing.  I am lucky he felt comfortable sharing many vulnerable aspects of his soul, probably because I wasn't the love of his life, but because I was his friend (and although he'll never admit it, I think he knew I adored him, and therefore could do very little wrong in my eyes.  A safe place for secrets).

That first year we began emailing each other (me in Alaska attending high school, Jordan at BYU), I was trying to please him in emails.  To sound smart, competent, and kind.  I wanted him to know I cared, but I also wanted him to think of me as an equal, not just some little high schooler.  I am highly embarrassed of these emails, to the point I can not read them.  I have tried.  It is humiliating.  I keep waiting for the time when I can look back and laugh, and clearly (even 11 years later) I have not reached that point.

That being said, I can not regret emailing him, because Jordan was going through something important.  He was really struggling with college.  Not with the academics or the new independence, but with the emotional aspect of being a nice guy in a sea of jerks. I am so grateful to have been able to be a part of it, even if in small part.  I have such a greater understanding of my husband now because he wrote me, he talked to me, honestly as a friend through some of his most difficult experiences.  I wasn't his only or even most important confidant, but I was there.