This Christmas has been one of my most difficult years. I have missed my family. I have missed the snow. I have have missed my husband, who has needed to put in long hours of work. I have felt overwhelmed with trying to establish Christmas for my 2 year old when I have a newborn who requires so much attention, and who kinda binds me to the house. I have missed sleep. Really, I have missed sleep a lot. The truth is, it hasn't felt much like Christmas at all. Sure, I have a tree, but I have really struggled to grab that Christmas feeling.
Last night I was feeling particularly sorry for myself. There was a relief society Christmas Progressive dinner I really wanted to attend, but Jordan had to work late again. He worked really hard to come home in time so that I could at least go to the dessert (where I had signed up to bring a dish). I almost didn't go, thinking it wasn't worth it. But Jordan pushed me out the door with my brownies, and I showed up just in time at the last house. I was lucky, the majority of the program was at this particular house, so I got to attend the most important part (yay!). There was a wonderful speaker who talked about doing three things to make this a Christ centered holiday:
1. Look at yourself in the mirror and see yourself the way the Savior sees you.
2. Compliment someone everyday.
3. Find something magical in the season everyday.
I was touched by this list. These were exactly what I was struggling with, and I went home a little teary, remembering the tender mercies of the Lord, that He knows me. I was all geared up for the next day, ready to feel Christmasy armed with my little to-do list that was surely going to make everything better.
Then, today, the horrible news about the shootings in Connecticut I think everyone is horrified. How can I feel the Christmas spirit when there's such evil? When there is so much pain? I think of the terror those sweet babies must have felt. The horror their parents feel. Can't we just cancel Christmas this year?
And then for the first time, I feel like I've been able to feel what Christmas is about. The strains of "Peace on Earth" that we hear over and over in the hymns. I think we often hope that the world will be saved by someone who will totally eradicate evil, will make these events a thing of the past. And I do believe that day will come, and I, along with the rest of the world, hope and pray for that day. But the peace that Christmas brings, that the Savior brings, is the peace of the Atonement. It's not peace in the outside world, but peace in our own hearts, it's the peace that we choose. I know that there was a child, a Savior, born of Mary, who went on to live a life of kindness, of goodness and of compassion. He suffered in Gethsemane where He felt all the pain in this world, so he could more fully understand our suffering, and perfectly know how to heal us. I know that through Him all the wrongs in this world can be made right. I also know that there is life after death, that this is not the end.
That little baby whose birth we celebrate a Christmastime, He brought all of this goodness into the world. And the peace I feel know is my knowledge that He is perfect, and all will be made right through Him. And so, as I think of this tragedy today, I mourn with those that mourn, and I feel grief, but I also feel peace. I will look to the Savior this Christmas, and teach my children of His Goodness, and pray that all will feel of His Peace.
"And behold, he shall be born of Mary, at Jerusalem... she being a virgin, a precious and chosen vessel, who shall be overshadowed and conceive by the power of the Holy Ghost, and bring forth a son, yea, even the Son of God. And he shall go forth, suffering pains and afflictions and temptations of every kind; and this that the word might be fulfilled which saith he will take upon him the pains and the sicknesses of his people. And he will take upon him death, that he may loose the bands of death which bind his people; and he will take upon him their infirmities, that his bowels may be filled with mercy, according to the flesh, that he may know according to the flesh how to succor his people according to their infirmities. Now the Spirit knoweth all things; nevertheless the Son of God suffereth according to the flesh that he might take upon him the sins of his people..."
Book of Mormon, Alma 7:10-13
Friday, December 14, 2012
Friday, December 7, 2012
Clara
I haven't written a post about Clara lately, because writing about Clara is too complex for me. She's just turning into this amazing, funny little person, and I can never quite capture it when writing. But I'm going to try to write some stuff, if nothing else so I remember.
She LOVES being a big sister, and has been an absolute dream. We were warned over and over again about jealousy and that she would have such a hard time with the baby. I am so grateful that neither of these things were true for Clara. She wakes up every morning saying, "Baby? Baby?" and runs to find her. She gives Lucy unsolicited kisses, and understands that she needs to be very gentle. She's always been very sensitive when Lucy cries, and gets concerned, offering her binkie and saying, "Momma! Baby crying!" When Lucy cries in the car, she very gently but firmly says, "Lucy, stop. Lucy, stop." Never yells at her or gets mad, more like she's enforcing a rule. With that, just the last few days Lucy has shown a lot more interest in Clara. When Clara passes, Lucy looks at her and smiles. I think we're getting into big-sister-will-make-little-sister-laugh territory. I know it's too soon to tell, but I'm so hopeful that they'll like each other and want to play together. Jordan and I were discussing this the other day, and we realized that Clara is ALWAYS going to love Lucy and want to play with her, that's just her personality. Really, it's whether or not Lucy is going to get annoyed with Clara...
Clara's talking is really taking off! She was a little later than some kids, but I wasn't too worried. It fits her personality that she waited to talk until she was a bit more confident. Our biggest issue now is that her binkie is really in the way, and I haven't been disciplined enough to take away the binkie during the day. Sometimes, even without the binkie, she'll talk like she has it in her mouth. Other than that, she says new and funny things every day! And I'm surprised at how much she really understands me.
When you have a second baby, teaching the concept of "patience" is an absolute necessity. And I'm very lucky to have Clara, who has always been naturally patient. Sometimes I simply can't do things right away for her because of Lucy or we're in the car or something, and I can say, "Clara, you're going to have to wait. Can you wait a little bit for me? I promise I will do this/get that/play with you as soon as I'm done." She always says yes. Now, how long "wait" means varies depending on how tired she is, but overall I think her abilities are very impressive for a 2 year old. I try to ALWAYS follow through to re-enforce the idea that if you wait, you can get what you asked for, but really, it isn't me. Clara just has a really sweet, patient temperament, and for that I am so very, very grateful.
She loves loves loves Jordan. Those two are like peas in a pod. When he's home, they play and play and play, and Clara wants to copy everything he does. When she's hurt, she cries for Daddy. She will do things for him that she'll NEVER do for me (like eat dinner!). I love watching them, and I"m so glad they're so close.
Clara's imagination is really blooming. She loves her stuffed animals and they are her "babies." She likes to name them them after her friends. She puts them to bed, feeds them food and chews them out ("Stop it. Now!"). She also loves her blocks. She likes to build things and then show me and Jordan.
I could go on and on all day, and you'd only see a fraction of her sweet personality. I am so grateful she is mine. She makes me smile every day.
She LOVES being a big sister, and has been an absolute dream. We were warned over and over again about jealousy and that she would have such a hard time with the baby. I am so grateful that neither of these things were true for Clara. She wakes up every morning saying, "Baby? Baby?" and runs to find her. She gives Lucy unsolicited kisses, and understands that she needs to be very gentle. She's always been very sensitive when Lucy cries, and gets concerned, offering her binkie and saying, "Momma! Baby crying!" When Lucy cries in the car, she very gently but firmly says, "Lucy, stop. Lucy, stop." Never yells at her or gets mad, more like she's enforcing a rule. With that, just the last few days Lucy has shown a lot more interest in Clara. When Clara passes, Lucy looks at her and smiles. I think we're getting into big-sister-will-make-little-sister-laugh territory. I know it's too soon to tell, but I'm so hopeful that they'll like each other and want to play together. Jordan and I were discussing this the other day, and we realized that Clara is ALWAYS going to love Lucy and want to play with her, that's just her personality. Really, it's whether or not Lucy is going to get annoyed with Clara...
Clara's talking is really taking off! She was a little later than some kids, but I wasn't too worried. It fits her personality that she waited to talk until she was a bit more confident. Our biggest issue now is that her binkie is really in the way, and I haven't been disciplined enough to take away the binkie during the day. Sometimes, even without the binkie, she'll talk like she has it in her mouth. Other than that, she says new and funny things every day! And I'm surprised at how much she really understands me.
When you have a second baby, teaching the concept of "patience" is an absolute necessity. And I'm very lucky to have Clara, who has always been naturally patient. Sometimes I simply can't do things right away for her because of Lucy or we're in the car or something, and I can say, "Clara, you're going to have to wait. Can you wait a little bit for me? I promise I will do this/get that/play with you as soon as I'm done." She always says yes. Now, how long "wait" means varies depending on how tired she is, but overall I think her abilities are very impressive for a 2 year old. I try to ALWAYS follow through to re-enforce the idea that if you wait, you can get what you asked for, but really, it isn't me. Clara just has a really sweet, patient temperament, and for that I am so very, very grateful.
She loves loves loves Jordan. Those two are like peas in a pod. When he's home, they play and play and play, and Clara wants to copy everything he does. When she's hurt, she cries for Daddy. She will do things for him that she'll NEVER do for me (like eat dinner!). I love watching them, and I"m so glad they're so close.
Clara's imagination is really blooming. She loves her stuffed animals and they are her "babies." She likes to name them them after her friends. She puts them to bed, feeds them food and chews them out ("Stop it. Now!"). She also loves her blocks. She likes to build things and then show me and Jordan.
I could go on and on all day, and you'd only see a fraction of her sweet personality. I am so grateful she is mine. She makes me smile every day.
Tuesday, December 4, 2012
Adventures in newborn sleep...
... well, "adventures" could actually translate quite well to "tears" for all involved (except Jordan, I suppose). I'm not good with the whole sleep deprivation thing. Sometimes I just cry, and then I feel like a horrible mother. Why am I crying? I'm such a wimp.
Anyway, Lucy keeps me guessing. There's actually some really good things happening with her sleep. 1- She's got her days and nights going right, and her bedtime has moved up to between 5:30-6, which is where it's supposed to be (at least according to Healthy Sleep Habits, Healthy Child, my favorite sleep book). When she goes down at night, she sleeps all night (meaning when she eats, she doesn't expect to play, she just goes back to sleep). She did this all naturally, and I'm very grateful. 2- We have gotten into a great routine of Eat, Play, Sleep. She doesn't want to be nursed to sleep, which is both a blessing and a curse (more on this later). Her awake times are about 1 hour, and then she naps for 45 min-2 hours and then she eats. It's a good schedule. Sometimes I can even get her to go to sleep on her own when I put her down drowsy. Maybe about 25% of the time. Not bad.
Now, for the bad. She sleeps for 8 hours at night. Yay! Those hours are 6pm-2am. BOO. I have tried to move it. Feed her when I go to sleep, etc. No luck. She feels the need to wake up and eat between 2-4, no matter what I do. It's so lame. I think I just have to wait for her to out-grow it.
If she's awake for much longer than an hour, she becomes extremely overtired and is incredibly difficult to put to sleep. She just gets herself so worked up nothing can calm her down. While I love I don't have an eat-sleep association, it would be so helpful if she would eat and calm down when she was so worked up and exhausted. Alas, she refuses to nurse when she's really angry. This is a total turn around from Clara, who LOVED nursing. Feeding her could solve any problem, and I loved how I always had the ability to calm her down. With Lucy, I feel so powerless sometimes. When she got her vaccinations, I was already to take her and feed her and get her soothed before we left. She would.not.latch. It was upsetting for me, I felt like I had failed her as her mother. :(
The biggest issue is that Lucy is so routine bound that when we mess it up, she won't sleep. She struggles to sleep in car seats, and I have tried every carrier and she kinda hates all of them. Church is bad, but the evening after church is an absolute nightmare. She doesn't sleep at church (remember how she won't sleep in car seats?), so when it comes time to go to bed she's so overtired that it's nearly impossible to get her to stay asleep. This has caused me to be quite home bound. It's just not worth it to leave in almost all cases. I'm looking forward to the day I can leave the house and know I won't pay for it later...
Anyway, that was a whole bunch of whining on my part, I know. I remind myself it does get better, and eventually she will sleep. Frankly, with some of the good habits she has so far, she should sleep through the night sooner than Clara did (11 months). Until then, I'll dream of 5 hours of consecutive sleep...
Anyway, Lucy keeps me guessing. There's actually some really good things happening with her sleep. 1- She's got her days and nights going right, and her bedtime has moved up to between 5:30-6, which is where it's supposed to be (at least according to Healthy Sleep Habits, Healthy Child, my favorite sleep book). When she goes down at night, she sleeps all night (meaning when she eats, she doesn't expect to play, she just goes back to sleep). She did this all naturally, and I'm very grateful. 2- We have gotten into a great routine of Eat, Play, Sleep. She doesn't want to be nursed to sleep, which is both a blessing and a curse (more on this later). Her awake times are about 1 hour, and then she naps for 45 min-2 hours and then she eats. It's a good schedule. Sometimes I can even get her to go to sleep on her own when I put her down drowsy. Maybe about 25% of the time. Not bad.
Now, for the bad. She sleeps for 8 hours at night. Yay! Those hours are 6pm-2am. BOO. I have tried to move it. Feed her when I go to sleep, etc. No luck. She feels the need to wake up and eat between 2-4, no matter what I do. It's so lame. I think I just have to wait for her to out-grow it.
If she's awake for much longer than an hour, she becomes extremely overtired and is incredibly difficult to put to sleep. She just gets herself so worked up nothing can calm her down. While I love I don't have an eat-sleep association, it would be so helpful if she would eat and calm down when she was so worked up and exhausted. Alas, she refuses to nurse when she's really angry. This is a total turn around from Clara, who LOVED nursing. Feeding her could solve any problem, and I loved how I always had the ability to calm her down. With Lucy, I feel so powerless sometimes. When she got her vaccinations, I was already to take her and feed her and get her soothed before we left. She would.not.latch. It was upsetting for me, I felt like I had failed her as her mother. :(
The biggest issue is that Lucy is so routine bound that when we mess it up, she won't sleep. She struggles to sleep in car seats, and I have tried every carrier and she kinda hates all of them. Church is bad, but the evening after church is an absolute nightmare. She doesn't sleep at church (remember how she won't sleep in car seats?), so when it comes time to go to bed she's so overtired that it's nearly impossible to get her to stay asleep. This has caused me to be quite home bound. It's just not worth it to leave in almost all cases. I'm looking forward to the day I can leave the house and know I won't pay for it later...
Anyway, that was a whole bunch of whining on my part, I know. I remind myself it does get better, and eventually she will sleep. Frankly, with some of the good habits she has so far, she should sleep through the night sooner than Clara did (11 months). Until then, I'll dream of 5 hours of consecutive sleep...
Monday, December 3, 2012
Thanksgiving in Pinetop
This Thanksgiving, we decided to get out of Phoenix for a bit. Jordan's parents have a timeshare up there, and we decided to take advantage of the condo and take in some nice cooler weather. It was such a relief to see pine trees!
For Thanksgiving itself, we drove about an hour past Pinetop to Eagar, where my Aunt and Uncle live. We had Thanksgiving with their family which was a blast. I was kinda depressed with the idea of eating Thanksgiving Dinner with just Jordan and I, wrestling Clara to try SOMETHING. Thanksgiving is much more fun with a larger group of people, in my opinion. My Aunt and Uncle have a couple of granddaughters Clara's age, so she spent the day running around and playing.
We stayed in Pinetop an additional day. We were staying in a condo, which had a couple of rooms and a full kitchen, perfect for parents with kids. We had a Harry Potter marathon, kept up with football, and went and played on the playground. It was so relaxing. The door had handles instead of knobs, which meant Clara could leave her room. We woke up a couple of times in the middle of the night with Clara in Jordan's face saying, "Hi Dada! Hi Dada! Play?" While a bit annoying, it was kinda cute.
Anyway, overall it was a great choice. I hope to go back sometime this summer to escape the Phoenix heat. It was so nice!
For Thanksgiving itself, we drove about an hour past Pinetop to Eagar, where my Aunt and Uncle live. We had Thanksgiving with their family which was a blast. I was kinda depressed with the idea of eating Thanksgiving Dinner with just Jordan and I, wrestling Clara to try SOMETHING. Thanksgiving is much more fun with a larger group of people, in my opinion. My Aunt and Uncle have a couple of granddaughters Clara's age, so she spent the day running around and playing.
We stayed in Pinetop an additional day. We were staying in a condo, which had a couple of rooms and a full kitchen, perfect for parents with kids. We had a Harry Potter marathon, kept up with football, and went and played on the playground. It was so relaxing. The door had handles instead of knobs, which meant Clara could leave her room. We woke up a couple of times in the middle of the night with Clara in Jordan's face saying, "Hi Dada! Hi Dada! Play?" While a bit annoying, it was kinda cute.
Anyway, overall it was a great choice. I hope to go back sometime this summer to escape the Phoenix heat. It was so nice!
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